Christmas . . . Upon Further Review

Okay now that the dust has cleared, and the presents have been unwrapped, and the first round of returns have been made, and the inevitable “talk” of being grateful for those things that we DID get as opposed to being upset over those things that we DID NOT get has been had, maybe it’s time to reflect on all things Christmas.  In fact more to the point, maybe it’s time to take a closer look at the Christmas holiday and ask ourselves whether it’s actually worth it.

Now I recognize that I’m bordering on being hypocritical or at the very least contradictory, as I have gone on record (including my last blog not more than a couple weeks ago) as saying Christmas is not only my favorite holiday, but the best holiday of the year.  But is it really?

Unfortunately, the thing I love most about Christmas is also the thing I despise most about it, and that is Christmas is not just December 25^th, but rather the ENTIRE MONTH of December.  Now that’s not all bad.  On the positive side I love the fact that we put our outdoor lights up in early December, and we “let ‘em burn” until early January.  And I love decorating the tree on one of those first December weekends.  And though I admit some of those holiday radio stations get a little annoying with their 24/7 of Christmas music programming, I do love all the Christmas songs that play throughout the month.  And I truly enjoy the buildup and the anticipation the kids feel as they count down the days until Christmas morning.  That’s all the good stuff.  That’s the stuff that I look forward to every year.

But on the flip-side we are left with outdoor lights that need to be taken down sometime in early January when the average temperature is hovering around 20.  And we are left with a dying tree in our living room which typically is considered a serious fire hazard by January 1st.  And we are left with a small debt after buying all the XBOX games and Lego sets and R/C cars.  Now I’m okay with all of that as I simply chalk that up to “the price you have to pay for a good time,” but it’s the other stuff that goes on during the month that may very well tip the scales against Christmas.

The Holiday Parties – They pretty much go for the entire month of December.  Whether it’s a friendly get-together, a larger themed Christmas party, or some stuffy office holiday party, if you’re not booked every weekend of December, you’re probably not particularly well liked.  And though my wife’s take on these holiday parties are “the more the merrier,” I couldn’t disagree more.  After the first holiday party I’ve pretty much seen everyone I want to see, and after the second holiday party I’ve pretty much told all the funny stories I have, and have heard all the funny stories other people have.  If I’m at a 3^rd holiday party, it is a safe bet that I’ve had sex within the last two hours, I’m there to eat your food, and I’ll probably drop a deuce in your master bathroom.

All the “Christmas-Like” things you plan on doing, but never do – Like drinking eggnog, or going to see the Zoo Lights or going downtown to see all the Macy’s Christmas windows, or having “family movie night” and watching It’s a Wonderful Life or a Christmas Story.  Every year I talk about these things as they all seem very “Christmas-like” to me.  Warm and fuzzy family stuff.  And yet we never do it.  The last time I had a glass of eggnog was when the neighbor a couple doors down brought me a glass of his homemade eggnog while I was taking out my garbage.  It was spectacular, and I spilled it while trying to jack-ass my recycling bin to the curb.  That was three years ago.  And we never make it down for Zoo Lights.  And the last time I saw the Macy’s windows it was called Marshall Field’s.  And to this day I’ve STILL NOT SEEN It’s a Wonderful Life or Christmas Story.  These are all things that sound good, and that I plan on doing, and yet never do (which means Christmas is scarily similar to my sex life . . .   I plan on having more sex . . . . it sounds good . . . and yet I never do).

The Presents – It’s not buying the presents that becomes a big hassle, but rather all the wrapping and the hiding them in places where the kids won’t find them that becomes a big pain in the ass.  They know we’re buying gifts, and they know it’s more fun to be surprised on Christmas morning, and yet kids will be kids, and they just can’t help themselves when it comes to trying to find the gifts.  I’m running out of places to hide them.  Frankly it’s getting the point where I’m not so sure I should hide them anymore.  Why bother?  Hell it’s probably tougher on them if I were to come home with a bundle of unwrapped gifts, put them under the tree for all the world to see, and say “Go ahead and look at them all you want, just don’t touch them until Christmas morning.”  Now THAT’S real torture.  It seems to me that this is pretty much exactly what my wife does with her boobs.  They’re there every day staring right back at me.  Just saying, “how you doing, big boy?”  And yet I don’t get to touch them.  Why shouldn’t the kids know my pain?

Listen, Christmas is a month-long holiday, and while I could make an argument that a holiday as grand as Christmas deserves a full month of celebration, it’s also the reason that most people feel hung-over after the Christmas holiday.  It’s a month that ends with the start of school and the start of work for most people, and we all tend to go overboard so we’re stressed and worried through most of it.  Every other holiday, whether it’s 4^th of July, Halloween or Thanksgiving is literally just one day.  Love it or hate it, it’s over in 24 hours.

So, is it worth the hype? On December 29, in the post-holiday hangover phase, I say maybe we tone it down a little next year…But I know that on December 1 next year I’ll be back on the Christmas bandwagon.

The Holiday Test . . . Christmas vs. The Other 2

It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads my blog regularly (and there are a few of you out there) that Christmas is without question my favorite holiday.  Actually, my small, but loyal following should know that I love Christmas, but don’t care much for Halloween and Thanksgiving.  However, this year I promised to give both Halloween and Thanksgiving a fair shake.  It wasn’t so much a New Year’s Resolution, but rather a personal promise I made to myself.  Then again, I guess that’s really all a New Year’s Resolution is, but I don’t make those.  Well actually I do, but I don’t follow through on those.  Every year I promise to lose weight, and then I don’t.  And I promise to have more sex, and then I don’t.  In all fairness that particular New Year’s Resolution requires my wife to have a similar kind of resolution, and she never does.  But this was the year that I was going to give “The Big Three” a fair shake.  So I came up with some categories that could be used for all three, and then an easy point system on a scale of 1-10.  At the end of the day I should be able to add things up, and figure out which holiday was the best . . . . though frankly this was all about who was playing for second.

First Category . . . The Real Meaning Behind the Holiday:

Halloween – Right off the bat Halloween is in trouble.  This isn’t a real holiday.  We’re not celebrating ANYTHING!  From what I can tell it’s some sort of an old Pagan holiday in which they celebrated the dead.  Halloween gets a 2.

Thanksgiving – A day of thanks started by the Pilgrims who feasted for three days to “thank God” for their safe passage to the new world.  I guess this is better than a Pagan ritual honoring the dead, but in my book, not by much.  Thanksgiving gets a 4.

Christmas – It’s only the birth of Christ celebrated by billions of people around the world.  Seriously, do we really need to discuss this further?  Anyone want to lobby for the Pagan holiday?  Anyone?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  Christmas gets a 10.

Second Category . . . What does the holiday actually mean to the “everyday person:”

Halloween – It’s a day for kids to dress up in costume and trick-or-treat.  Okay, this is sorta cool.  Certainly kids love it, and as a parent I enjoy seeing all the kids in their costumes.  It is also the one day of the year you have a shot at your wife willingly dressing like a hooker.  Though Halloween afternoon is for the kids, Halloween night is for the adults, and the outfits many of the ladies wear out are OVER THE TOP!  Actually I am convinced that more marriages would be saved if wives would dress up at home for their husbands the way they dress up on Halloween night.  It’s spectacular and it’s only on October 31^st.  Halloween gets a solid 7.

Thanksgiving – It’s turkey dinner with the family.  The only thing that makes this day AT ALL tolerable is the NFL.  In fact I am convinced that football has overtaken baseball and basketball as the most popular pro sport in North America because they have single-handedly made Thanksgiving somewhat fun.  Without the NFL I have turkey, my mom, and my sister’s kids (ALL of whom I love, but the combination of all three is at times trying).  Thanksgiving gets a 4 (and it would be a 2 without football).

Christmas – It’s a fat, jolly guy with a beard breaking into our house and leaving us presents.  What’s not to like . . . well I mean other than the whole home invasion thing.  Okay so there’s no Santa.  Fine.  It’s actually an expensive holiday that I wind up paying for well into January, but it’s an entire month’s worth of build up for the kids, many of whom still believe in the fat, jolly guy (and that’s priceless), and pretty much the single greatest “family morning” of the year.  Nothing beats Christmas morning when the kids come down to see all the gifts under the tree.  We don’t take a lot of home movies, but we have videotaped EVERY Christmas morning since our kids were born because Christmas morning is AWESOME!!  However, I recognize that not everyone celebrates this holiday, so that is a problem.  So as a result of this holiday not being all-inclusive I’m giving Christmas a 7 (but it would be a 10 if everyone celebrated it).

Third Category . . . The Holiday Food:

Halloween – Candy.  This holiday is built around candy.  He who collects the most candy wins.  What’s not to like?  It’s genius.  Candy.  Maybe some caramel apples.  Maybe some of those popcorn ball things.  Who knows?  But it’s all about sugar.  Halloween gets a 10.

Thanksgiving – Turkey.  Stuffing.  Cranberry sauce.  Sweet potatoes.  Pumpkin pie.  AWFUL!!  First of all, why do people get so giddy over turkey??  It’s not a special meal.  I have turkey year round.  I have turkey tacos almost once a week.  I have turkey sandwiches for lunch all the time.  And you know what I get when I go to Jimmy John’s. . . . the #4 . . . . turkey sandwich with cheese.  It’s turkey.  Who cares?  Big deal.  And don’t tell me it’s “not the same thing.”  IT’S TURKEY!!  It’s all coming from the same, dumb, ugly, flightless bird.  People should be more excited about the stuffing and cranberry sauce as that stuff is definitely more seasonable.  Thanksgiving gets a 4 at best.

Christmas – I don’t know, ham maybe?  Frankly Christmas is a hodge-podge of food.  I guess ham is a traditional Christmas dish, but who knows?  All I’ll say is I think there’s at least a little more flexibility with Christmas dinner than with Thanksgiving which HAS TO BE turkey and stuffing.  At the end of the day it’s still not going to beat full-sized Reese Peanut Butter Cups.  Christmas gets a 5.

Fourth and Final Category . . . Holiday Decorations:

Halloween – Fog machines.  Orange and green lights outside your house.  Carved pumpkins.  And make-shift grave yards on your front lawn.  Pretty much anything that may scare the hell out of some unsuspecting 10-year old.  Now, I could do without the squirrels going to town on my pumpkins days after I put them out, and any of you who have had to cart a rotting pumpkin from your front porch to your garbage knows just how gross that can be, but overall the decorations for Halloween are pretty cool.  Halloween gets a 7.

Thanksgiving – Nothing.  Literally not a damn thing.  You pull out your finest china flatware and sterling silver utensils . . . all of which has to be hand-washed later . . . and maybe you use cloth napkins . . . which should not go in the dryer . . . trust me I speak from experience on that one. . . and that’s about it.  Thanksgiving gets a 1.

Christmas – I don’t know where to start.  How about a seven-foot Fraser Fur with ornaments in my living room (though I’ve had the dog twice pee on the tree).  How about wreaths.  Garland.  Santa and Frosty the Snowman pillows and figurines and coffee mugs.  How about 1,000 LED lights outside my house telling the world that I love this holiday.  I could go on, and I won’t even get into the Christmas cards that everyone sends out and all the Christmas music that everyone listens to (no one sends out Thanksgiving cards or listens to Thanksgiving music).  Christmas gets a 10.

So in the end Halloween finished with a respectable 26.

Thanksgiving finished dead last with a pitiful 13.

And not surprisingly Christmas finished with 32.

Frankly it was closer than I thought.  I guess candy and wives dressing like hookers is inching closer to Santa and the birth of Jesus.  All that being said, I think next year we take a family trip during Thanksgiving and avoid it altogether.  And I’ve decided to stop hating Halloween – it’s not so bad.  But I’m still all about Christmas.  Bring it on!