Important Dates

There are plenty of things that I am just not good at.  Acting my age is definitely at the top of this list.  Refraining from making inappropriate comments to my wife would also be on this list.  And anything that has to do with math would make this list.  

But one thing I am good at is keeping track of important dates.  I don’t need a Franklin Covey Planner to do this, and I don’t need some electronic calendar or iPhone  app.  I just know dates.  Or at least I know the dates that are important to me.  I know my wife’s birthday.  I know my kids’ birthdays.  I know my wedding anniversary.  I know that my wife and I had sex for the very first time on Casmir Pulaski Day in 1989 (without question my favorite Polish holiday).  And I know the first time I knowingly missed a college exam was on October 30^th during my freshman year so that I could leave early to drive to Madison, WI to visit friends and spend Halloween there (and if you’ve never done a Halloween on State Street in Madison, WI – trust me, miss the test). 

Like I said, I’m pretty good with dates which is why I was so surprised  the other day when I actually told my boys that their mother’s birthday was this Thursday the 27^th instead of this Saturday the 29^th which is when her birthday REALLY IS.  This just doesn’t happen to me.  Now I like to joke with my wife that our wedding anniversary is October 20^th when I know that it’s actually the 21^st.  And I like to joke with her that her birthday is on the 30^th of May instead of the 29^th.  Ha, ha, it’s all a fun little game I play (well fun for me . . . remember I’ve already admitted to having trouble acting my age). 

But when my boys asked me the other day I legitimately told them that “mom was celebrating another birthday on Thursday the 27^th.”  NOPE!  It’s Saturday and she’ll be turning 39.  I fear my stay-at-home status is screwing up my days and weeks and months.  Hell the other day my dad asked me when the boys were out of school and I told him in about a month.  My dad asked why they were going to be in school until late June.  Shit.  I guess I didn’t realize it was late May.  The boys get out of school in like seven days.  Maybe I do need that calendar to keep track of things after all.

Well no big deal.  I simply have more time to get my wife a gift.

So what to get her?

Since this is the calm before the storm (it’s the meaningless 39^th birthday before the big FOUR-OH) I’m going to go small.  No sense in breaking the bank when I think she wants a big shindig to celebrate her 40^th next May.  And since we’re hoping to go away together somewhere this fall to celebrate our 15^th wedding anniversary I’m truly going to take it easy on the birthday gifts this year.  She’ll understand.  We’ve already agreed upon it.  But I still need to get her something.

I could always go with the trusty stand-by; a three pack of thong underwear from Neiman’s and a home-made gift certificate for “A Lot of Clay Loving.”  By the way, no joke, I actually got her THIS EXACT GIFT a few years ago for Valentine’s Day and it’s the sole reason that NEITHER of us celebrate this particular holiday anymore.

I could get her a real gift certificate for a massage, but I feel like that’s admitting that she’s in need of a massage because she’s married to me.  I refuse to admit that or even think that so therefore she’s not getting a massage.  Her marriage to me is pure bliss. 

I could get her a really cool and sexy Blackhawks t-shirt.  You know there are 101 different t-shirts out on the market now that the Hawks have made it to the Stanley Cup finals, and a few of these t-shirts are “women specific” shirts that are pretty tight and sexy.  And since my favorite shirt of ALL TIMES is her 1982 AC/DC concert t-shirt, well I may just need to get her another shirt like this.  A quick side note, seriously this AC/DC t-shirt which I found in some t-shirt store a few years ago (I didn’t actually go to the 1982 concert – I was 11 in ’82) is just awesome.  She only wears it occasionally around the house, but it’s the single greatest article of clothing that she owns.  I find myself singing Shook Me All Night Long every time she has it on (well it was either that or the much less popular AC/DC song Let Me Put My Love Into You, but that just seems wildly inappropriate, even for me, and again I WANT her to wear this shirt). 

I could always arrange some “girl’s day out” type of thing and let her go off with her girlfriends for a long afternoon, but that would leave me with the kids all day and that’s just not going to happen.  I wonder if I could arrange a “girl’s day out WITH THE KIDS?”  Hmm.  You know if I could actually put something like this together and make it work, I may be able to sell this service to other guys.  Hell I could make millions if I could find a way for a guy to give his wife a gift of an afternoon out with her girlfriends AND the kids.  Literally what dude wouldn’t buy this service?  Get rid of the wife AND the kids AND get credit for giving her a birthday gift.  Are you kidding?  I’m a multi-millionaire if I could make this work.  This is right up there with my other million dollar idea. . . a Viagra pill for women that also makes them want to clean the house.  I know, it’s impossible, but seriously, think about that for a minute.  It’s actually a billion dollar idea. 

Well upon further review I’m not sure any of these ideas work, so I may just go with some flowers and a nice card and I’ll be sure to give them to her on the 29^th, and not the 27^th.