My Advice Column

My wife continues to hound me to write a book.  Awhile ago she was hounding me to write a blog, and now that I’ve done that she’s hounding me to turn the blog into some sort of a book.  I love my wife.  She’s my biggest fan and biggest cheerleader.  Frankly her confidence that the book would be a success is not only inspiring, but amazing.  After all she just finished a book about Ernest Hemingway and she tells me that Hemingway’s work was rejected repeatedly (for like three straight years) until someone finally published one of his short stories.  And yet she continues to encourage me to write this book.  My wife really is amazing.  Well either that or she needs a serious reality check.  Unfortunately I’m pretty sure it’s the latter of the two, which is why I haven’t really started on this book.

Actually the bigger issue with writing this book is the topic.  My plan is to write a book about my year as an unemployed, stay-at-home dad who turns 40 (it’s a book about misery), but I’m not so sure anyone other than my mother would read it.  What I need to write is an advice book.  Some sort of a self-help book kind of thing.  Every day I watch Matt Lauer on the Today Show interview some new writer who’s written an advice or self-help book.  Someone writes a book about raising kids, and suddenly they’re a published author and on the Today Show.  Someone writes a book about improving your self esteem and suddenly they’re published and talking to Matt Lauer.  Hell not long ago I saw someone being interviewed on the Today Show after he published a book telling people to stop being stupid.  While I love his overall message I’m not sure the guy should have gotten national coverage for it.

Of course I’d write this self-help book if I just had some good advice to give.  But as I’ve said in my blogs before, “who the hell am I to give advice?”  I’m just a regular guy.  An average Joe married with children.  A putz.  No different than anyone else.

Wait a minute:

When you find your wife standing topless in front of the bathroom mirror complaining that her boobs have gotten too big, and some of her shirts aren’t fitting right, here’s what you should NOT do:

#1 – Don’t say “well now they’re proportional to the rest of you.”   

#2 – Don’t say “what are you complaining about?  Do you realize how excited I’d be if I woke up tomorrow and my dick was suddenly bigger?”  Though your intentions here are good, it’s not at all helping.

#3 – Don’t say “you’re right, they’re huge, can I play with them?” 

Then again, if you do want to offer some encouraging words, try something like this:

#1 – “Babe I’m sorry you’re unhappy with your looks, but I think you’re gorgeous.”  Surprisingly this won’t help much as she’ll accuse you of simply wanting to play with her boobs (yes, it’s scary how well they know us), but at least this type of comment won’t get you into trouble.

#2 – Or you could go all out and say something like this “hey if it will make you feel better why don’t you go out and buy a few new tops.”  Sure you’re now out a quick $500, but hopefully your wife is feeling better, and will let you see her boobs again later that night.

No matter what sport your son or daughter plays, let them play for other coaches.  Though I am all for volunteering your time to help coach your kid’s baseball or soccer or football team, it is important for your kids to have other coaches.  Each coach, good or bad, has SOMETHING to offer. 

#1 – Maybe it’s simply a little life lesson. 

#2 – Or maybe it’s a new tip or trick on how to turn a double play or how to create separation from a defender. 

#3 – Maybe it’s a different philosophy on how to play the game. 

#4 – If nothing else your kids will learn how to handle themselves differently when their dad isn’t in the dugout or on the sidelines, and trust me they all need to learn that. 

Hotel sex is fantastic.  I’m convinced hotel beds just make people horny.  I don’t know why?  Maybe it’s because lots of people have had sex in that bed before you, and many will have sex in that bed after you.  Maybe it’s just because a hotel room is not your house.  You can relax, unwind and if you choose, become someone else.  I think it’s why so many people like getting away with their spouse even if it’s just for a couple nights.  A few nights in a hotel room will do wonders for your marriage.  But guys need to be realistic when it comes to just how much sex they’re really going to get while away with their wives.  Because unrealistic expectations can ruin what should have been a fantastic getaway vacation.  I call it my hotel sex rule of thumb.   

#1 – Figure out how many times you’d like to have sex while staying in the hotel with your wife, and multiply that number by two.  Now of course you should be somewhat realistic here, but for instance if you’re shooting for three times, tell your wife as the two of you are making the hotel reservations that you want to have sex six times.  Obviously there’s no chance in hell you’re going to get laid six times, but you’ve probably got a legitimate shot at getting it three times.  Heck if you’re gone for an entire week, tell her you want to have sex eight times.  You’ll probably get it four times, and that’s one hell of a vacation, my friend.

#2 – Regardless of how long you’re going for and regardless of whether you’re staying at the Holliday Inn or the Ritz Carlton, DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell her you want to have sex 10 or more times.  Double digit sex requests are stupid and detrimental to the entire vacation.  Unless your wife is a porn star she does not want to hear the number 10 before or after the word “sex.”  EVER!  Even if you’re really shooting for five times, you still cannot use the number 10.  So cap it at eight, and then shoot for four times, with the outside chance of playing “extra innings” during your last night in the hotel.

Though I am still convinced that my wife’s book group is nothing more than a “girls night out” or a “wine club,” (she argues that it’s the same thing as my fantasy football draft . . . yet half the girls who come to these book groups don’t even read the book . . . you know what happens if a guy shows up to his fantasy football draft unprepared. . . he basically gets beaten. . . both literally and figuratively), I green light them, and I urge all other guys to do the same.  You see two things happen at these “book group” outings:

#1 – The ladies drink a lot of wine. 

#2 – They gossip and talk about each other’s husbands

The end result is my wife usually comes home from these things at least a little tipsy and feeling good knowing that her husband is not the only one who forgot to pick up the kids from soccer practice, or who plugged up the toilet at 2:00 AM . . . and then didn’t bother to plunge it until the next morning . . . yeah it smelled pretty bad. . . and who put an aluminum container into the microwave.  Usually book group nights end well for me, so fellas I suggest you nod and smile when your wife tells you she’s going to book group.

Well maybe this book thing will work out after all.  There’s at least one good chapter right there.  Of course I have nothing else, but maybe I’ll call it a short story.  After all that’s how Hemingway got started, right?  And oh yeah, going back to that whole thing about finding your wife topless complaining about her boobs. . . . the other thing you probably shouldn’t do is walk directly into the bathroom and grab them.  But hey, what do I know.