The Pink Flamingo Excuse

There are excuses for just about anything and everything.  There are excuses you use for getting out of stuff, and there are excuses you use for getting the green light to do stuff.  Kids are notorious for firing off excuses as to why they should or should not have to do something.  Some of the excuses my kids have come up with are great.  My oldest once told me it was too hot to go outside after I asked him to take in the garbage cans.  Keep in mind the garbage cans were just at the end of our driveway.  It was a 15-yard walk.  He said it was too hot.  My youngest once said that he was unable to eat his corn on the cob because his teeth hurt.  Speaking of my youngest, he once rejected my request to take a shower because he didn’t want to get wet.  And one night, after literally eating none of his dinner, my oldest asked for a Snickers bar for dessert.  When I reminded him that he had not eaten any of his dinner he told me that it was in my best interest to give him a candy bar as at least it was better than having him go to bed hungry.  I gave him the candy bar.  Of course it was pure bull shit, but frankly I respected the fact that he came up with a fairly logical sounding excuse.  The kid is destined to sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door . . . . but he’s going to sell a lot of vacuum cleaners.

While the kids seem to come up with the funniest excuses they are not alone in making excuses.  Adults are just as bad.  My favorite, and no doubt one of the most commonly used excuses is the “I’ve gotta take clients golfing today.  It’s for business.”  Yeah sure it is.  And I’m watching porn to gather research on a book I’m writing.  Come on. 

There are no shortages of adult excuses, and I’m willing to bet that most guys have attempted a lame-excuse in an effort to get their girlfriend or wife in bed.  I once told my wife that if she wanted to skip her regular workout on the treadmill sex burns calories.  She ran on the treadmill that day.

But it seems to me that there is a more universal topic that causes both men and women alike to come up with an excuse, and that is drinking.  For some reason drinking has become the new guilty pleasure that everyone feels the need to defend with an excuse.

“I’ve had a hard day at the office.”  Or “The kids are driving me nuts.”  Or “It’s Friday.”  Or “It’s after 5:00 PM.”  Or “I’ve just spent the day with my in-laws.”  Or “It’s Girl’s Night Out.”  Or “It’s Guy’s Night Out.”  And so on.  Hell the Surgeon General has green lighted the use of “It’s Healthy for my Heart” excuse (at least for red wine . . . . that one doesn’t work as well for Jager Bombs).  Even my favorite fall and winter activity, platform tennis, is basically one big excuse for guys to drink during the week. 

And I’m okay with all of this.  Actually I’m not entirely sure why anyone who’s legally old enough to drink needs an excuse, but hey, if it makes you feel better, go right ahead.  But the one excuse I’m not ready to accept is the Pink Flamingo excuse.  Yeah you know what I’m talking about . . . . the stupid, plastic lawn ornament that people put outside their house signaling an impromptu block-party that of course centers around people drinking.           

Yes, the idea is nice – drop by and meet your neighbors and encourage a sense of community in your home town.  But what actually happens is that neighbors stop by, say hi and leave, while your friends stay and drink for hours as their children roam the streets.    

So no more excuses.  Let’s just say what we mean.  Fellas, just admit that you are playing golf with the same three guys you’ve been playing with every week for years and none of them are going to give you any business.   Chase, just say I’m too lazy to get the garbage cans.  And pink flamingo houses – just get a big, neon Budweiser sign and post a note on your lawn that says “let’s drink in my driveway this week.”