The “Douche Bag Friend” Rule

The internet is an amazing tool, and while I am one of the least computer-savvy people around, rarely does a week go by where I’m not wondering out loud how we ever survived without computers and the internet.  I literally will sit in front of my computer and search the most random stuff I can think of and the internet ALWAYS finds what I’m looking for, or answers my questions, or points me in the right direction.  It’s amazing. 

However I think I may have stumped it the other day when I searched for the origins of the word “mulligan.”  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  As always the internet immediately directed me to a number of sites that dealt with the original meaning of the word “mulligan,” but it seems that no one really knows where the word came from.  Some think it derived from a Canadian golfer named David Mulligan who played in the 1920’s, and others seem to think the word came from Thomas Mulligan an Irish aristocrat who played golf back in the late 1700’s (and there are a few other ideas, too).  Though no one seems to know where the word really comes from everyone agrees on its meaning . . . . a mulligan is a do-over.   

And just like on the golf course when you tee it up again after hooking your first shot into the pond, when it comes to friendships you’re allowed one mulligan.  One do-over.  I call it my “douche bag rule,” and I believe in it as strongly as I believe in my “don’t marry the fluff girl rule.”  Think about that one for a second.

You see, as far as I’m concerned we’re all allowed one douche bag friend, but just one.  If you have more than one douche bag friend you actually risk the chance of becoming a douche bag YOURSELF.  It’s a slippery slope that you need to be careful of.  Just like on a golf course, you’re only allowed one mulligan, so you’ve got to manage that one “do-over” shot.  You don’t necessarily use it on the 2^nd hole just because you didn’t crush your tee shot down the middle of the fairway.  You may want to use that mulligan somewhere on the back nine.  The same strategy applies to the one douche bag friend rule.  And actually, I don’t think this applies to women.  I’ll have to think about that more, but for now, this is just a guy’s rule.

For instance if you’ve got a buddy who is notorious for asking you to help him move but then never reciprocates, you may just want to end that relationship now.  You can do without this guy.  Don’t waste your one douche bag friend on this clown.  You’re not going to get anything other than a sore back out of this relationship.  Move on.

Or if you have a buddy who just never seems to have any money on him when you go out it’s time to bail on that relationship.  Don’t use up your one douche bag friend on this goof.  He’s milking you dry.  Do you really need this friendship?  Come on.

And you may not want to waste the one douche bag friend exception on your pal who is always hitting on other people’s wives.  That’s just not cool, and eventually he’s going to get his ass kicked, and possibly yours too, so instead of claiming this guy as your one douche bag friend you may want to wish him luck on his quest to bed someone else’s wife, and run in the other direction.

Now on the flip-side, if you’ve got a friend who’s simply not particularly popular with others and is a bit of a jerk, BUT has box seats at Wrigley . . . . well he’s in the running for that one douche bag spot, and none of your other friends will blame you.

You’ve got to weigh the pros and the cons. 

At the end of the day we all have a douche bag friend.  It’s okay, and it’s accepted.  You just want to make sure that you don’t have more than one, and you want to make sure that the one you do have has SOME redeeming value otherwise you’re going to have trouble defending your decision to your other non-douche bag friends.

And this is why you NEVER make a little league baseball coach your one douche bag friend.  There’s simply no way to defend this decision as it’s just universally known that all serious little league baseball coaches are douche bags, and since they are all friends with each other, unless you want to be part of the fraternal order of douche bags, you’re basically better off being friends with a criminal.

So the moral of the story . . . . . don’t waste that mulligan and be careful who you choose as your one douche bag friend.  The End.