The Holiday Test . . . Christmas vs. The Other 2

It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads my blog regularly (and there are a few of you out there) that Christmas is without question my favorite holiday.  Actually, my small, but loyal following should know that I love Christmas, but don’t care much for Halloween and Thanksgiving.  However, this year I promised to give both Halloween and Thanksgiving a fair shake.  It wasn’t so much a New Year’s Resolution, but rather a personal promise I made to myself.  Then again, I guess that’s really all a New Year’s Resolution is, but I don’t make those.  Well actually I do, but I don’t follow through on those.  Every year I promise to lose weight, and then I don’t.  And I promise to have more sex, and then I don’t.  In all fairness that particular New Year’s Resolution requires my wife to have a similar kind of resolution, and she never does.  But this was the year that I was going to give “The Big Three” a fair shake.  So I came up with some categories that could be used for all three, and then an easy point system on a scale of 1-10.  At the end of the day I should be able to add things up, and figure out which holiday was the best . . . . though frankly this was all about who was playing for second.

First Category . . . The Real Meaning Behind the Holiday:

Halloween – Right off the bat Halloween is in trouble.  This isn’t a real holiday.  We’re not celebrating ANYTHING!  From what I can tell it’s some sort of an old Pagan holiday in which they celebrated the dead.  Halloween gets a 2.

Thanksgiving – A day of thanks started by the Pilgrims who feasted for three days to “thank God” for their safe passage to the new world.  I guess this is better than a Pagan ritual honoring the dead, but in my book, not by much.  Thanksgiving gets a 4.

Christmas – It’s only the birth of Christ celebrated by billions of people around the world.  Seriously, do we really need to discuss this further?  Anyone want to lobby for the Pagan holiday?  Anyone?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  Christmas gets a 10.

Second Category . . . What does the holiday actually mean to the “everyday person:”

Halloween – It’s a day for kids to dress up in costume and trick-or-treat.  Okay, this is sorta cool.  Certainly kids love it, and as a parent I enjoy seeing all the kids in their costumes.  It is also the one day of the year you have a shot at your wife willingly dressing like a hooker.  Though Halloween afternoon is for the kids, Halloween night is for the adults, and the outfits many of the ladies wear out are OVER THE TOP!  Actually I am convinced that more marriages would be saved if wives would dress up at home for their husbands the way they dress up on Halloween night.  It’s spectacular and it’s only on October 31^st.  Halloween gets a solid 7.

Thanksgiving – It’s turkey dinner with the family.  The only thing that makes this day AT ALL tolerable is the NFL.  In fact I am convinced that football has overtaken baseball and basketball as the most popular pro sport in North America because they have single-handedly made Thanksgiving somewhat fun.  Without the NFL I have turkey, my mom, and my sister’s kids (ALL of whom I love, but the combination of all three is at times trying).  Thanksgiving gets a 4 (and it would be a 2 without football).

Christmas – It’s a fat, jolly guy with a beard breaking into our house and leaving us presents.  What’s not to like . . . well I mean other than the whole home invasion thing.  Okay so there’s no Santa.  Fine.  It’s actually an expensive holiday that I wind up paying for well into January, but it’s an entire month’s worth of build up for the kids, many of whom still believe in the fat, jolly guy (and that’s priceless), and pretty much the single greatest “family morning” of the year.  Nothing beats Christmas morning when the kids come down to see all the gifts under the tree.  We don’t take a lot of home movies, but we have videotaped EVERY Christmas morning since our kids were born because Christmas morning is AWESOME!!  However, I recognize that not everyone celebrates this holiday, so that is a problem.  So as a result of this holiday not being all-inclusive I’m giving Christmas a 7 (but it would be a 10 if everyone celebrated it).

Third Category . . . The Holiday Food:

Halloween – Candy.  This holiday is built around candy.  He who collects the most candy wins.  What’s not to like?  It’s genius.  Candy.  Maybe some caramel apples.  Maybe some of those popcorn ball things.  Who knows?  But it’s all about sugar.  Halloween gets a 10.

Thanksgiving – Turkey.  Stuffing.  Cranberry sauce.  Sweet potatoes.  Pumpkin pie.  AWFUL!!  First of all, why do people get so giddy over turkey??  It’s not a special meal.  I have turkey year round.  I have turkey tacos almost once a week.  I have turkey sandwiches for lunch all the time.  And you know what I get when I go to Jimmy John’s. . . . the #4 . . . . turkey sandwich with cheese.  It’s turkey.  Who cares?  Big deal.  And don’t tell me it’s “not the same thing.”  IT’S TURKEY!!  It’s all coming from the same, dumb, ugly, flightless bird.  People should be more excited about the stuffing and cranberry sauce as that stuff is definitely more seasonable.  Thanksgiving gets a 4 at best.

Christmas – I don’t know, ham maybe?  Frankly Christmas is a hodge-podge of food.  I guess ham is a traditional Christmas dish, but who knows?  All I’ll say is I think there’s at least a little more flexibility with Christmas dinner than with Thanksgiving which HAS TO BE turkey and stuffing.  At the end of the day it’s still not going to beat full-sized Reese Peanut Butter Cups.  Christmas gets a 5.

Fourth and Final Category . . . Holiday Decorations:

Halloween – Fog machines.  Orange and green lights outside your house.  Carved pumpkins.  And make-shift grave yards on your front lawn.  Pretty much anything that may scare the hell out of some unsuspecting 10-year old.  Now, I could do without the squirrels going to town on my pumpkins days after I put them out, and any of you who have had to cart a rotting pumpkin from your front porch to your garbage knows just how gross that can be, but overall the decorations for Halloween are pretty cool.  Halloween gets a 7.

Thanksgiving – Nothing.  Literally not a damn thing.  You pull out your finest china flatware and sterling silver utensils . . . all of which has to be hand-washed later . . . and maybe you use cloth napkins . . . which should not go in the dryer . . . trust me I speak from experience on that one. . . and that’s about it.  Thanksgiving gets a 1.

Christmas – I don’t know where to start.  How about a seven-foot Fraser Fur with ornaments in my living room (though I’ve had the dog twice pee on the tree).  How about wreaths.  Garland.  Santa and Frosty the Snowman pillows and figurines and coffee mugs.  How about 1,000 LED lights outside my house telling the world that I love this holiday.  I could go on, and I won’t even get into the Christmas cards that everyone sends out and all the Christmas music that everyone listens to (no one sends out Thanksgiving cards or listens to Thanksgiving music).  Christmas gets a 10.

So in the end Halloween finished with a respectable 26.

Thanksgiving finished dead last with a pitiful 13.

And not surprisingly Christmas finished with 32.

Frankly it was closer than I thought.  I guess candy and wives dressing like hookers is inching closer to Santa and the birth of Jesus.  All that being said, I think next year we take a family trip during Thanksgiving and avoid it altogether.  And I’ve decided to stop hating Halloween – it’s not so bad.  But I’m still all about Christmas.  Bring it on!

Halloween – I Hate It

There are certain things in life that you know you should like, but you just don’t.  Some you can’t explain; like yogurt for instance.  There’s really no reason not to like yogurt.  It tastes pretty good.  It’s not bad for you.  It’s quick and easy to eat.  There are literally dozens of different flavor combinations (hell, they even have yogurt with candy pieces in it . . . actual M&M’s or Nestle Crunch pieces in the yogurt) and it’s cheap.  And yet I don’t like it.  Not sure why.  I know I just don’t like it.

Same thing with mini-vans.  There’s really no reason not to like them.  They are without doubt the most practical car on the road.  Pound for pound they have more storage space, more seating capacity and more luxury and entertainment options available than any other car on the road.  And yet I know I wouldn’t drive one, and the only reason I can come up with is that I don’t like the way they look.  Like a Yukon Denali or a Chevy Suburban is a fashion statement.  Like a Volvo station wagon is a fantastic looking automobile.  I know, I can’t explain it.

Now there are other things in life that again you should like, but don’t.  The difference this time around is you know exactly why you don’t like it.  There’s no mystery surrounding your disdain.

Like country music for example.  Most country songs are entertaining and feature a good beat, and yet I don’t like it.  It’s a bunch of people in cowboy hats singing about heartbreak.  Good Lord, stop.  The North won the war, so take off the 10-gallon cowboy hat and the snake-skin boots.  And I know my girlfriend dumped me for a good looking 22-year old who drives a Porsche, I just don’t need you singing about it. 

Or Thanksgiving.  On the surface what’s not to like?  You’re surrounded by family.  There’s plenty of good food to eat.  There are a number of NFL football games to watch.  There’s at least a day or two off from work or school, and there are great leftovers the next day.  And yet I hate Thanksgiving.  I truly despise Thanksgiving food (cranberry sauce, sweet potato pie, green bean casserole, squash and stuffing – I mean it, I’d rather be shot in the stomach than be forced to eat this shit), and regardless of whether we host Thanksgiving dinner or not, I somehow find myself cleaning stacks of pots and pans.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve loaded SOMEONE ELSE’S dishwasher at Thanksgiving. 

And of course my least favorite. . . Halloween.  Yes, this should be a spectacular holiday for both young and old.  Young kids love it as they get to dress up and trick or treat for candy, and many adults also get to dress up in the type of outfits that you typically see in sex catalogs.  Seriously, 364 days out of the year we’re lucky if our wives will dress up in high heels and garter belts, but on Halloween many women who never get out of sweats during the week leave the house looking like a street walker or a Playboy bunny or a naughty cheerleader or Wonder Woman (actually I have a fantastic story about that exact costume, but I’m not allowed to blog about it . . . let’s just say that I HAVE had sex with a super hero . . . no, not Batman, you putz).

But more times than not, Halloween winds up becoming a bigger problem than it’s worth.  Kids make last minute decisions and suddenly refuse to wear the costume that you bought them weeks before.  This is the same costume that they were excited to get, and couldn’t wait to put on.  Now with trick or treating starting in just 30 minutes they are refusing to go out unless they can be something else.  I still remember when we were getting my three-year-old son ready in his football player costume.  I was just putting on his shoulder pads when Darth Vader rang the bell.  Darth Vader complete with glowing red light saber and sound effects mask.  That was it.  No more football player, just a sobbing three-year-old.  And let me tell you, I speak with experience when I say there are NOT a lot of costumes available at Target 10 minutes before trick or treating.

And the actual trick or treating isn’t much easier, as you’re always worried about sending them out with a group of friends.  You wonder whether sending them out with 10 other pals is a smart move as typically nothing good comes when 10 11-year olds head out in search of candy.  That’s just a recipe for disaster, and yet there’s just no way your soon-to-be teenaged son or daughter wants you tagging along with them.  It’s just a matter of time before a major Halloween arrest is made that involves my kid.

Of course it’s an easier decision with my younger son, as there’s no way I’m going to let my eight year old go out alone with pals.  So I tag along as he and a friend or two hit the streets.  Unfortunately, this too usually ends badly, as it doesn’t take long before the younger boys are running wild.  Last year I took my eyes off them for a mere minute as I stopped to say hi to another dad walking with his kids, and before I knew it,  a seven-year-old had his pants down around his ankles peeing in the middle of someone’s yard.

That was the end of trick-or-treating last year, and with kids having even more time to trick or treat this year thanks to the holiday falling on a Sunday, I’m not real optimistic that things will be any different.

But we’ll see.