The Sales Pitch

I’m not sure what did it.  I can’t say for certain what the final straw was, but my wife has finally told me to stop blogging about sex and porn.  I sent her a draft of a blog the other day that I wanted her to proof, but instead of proofing it she pulled the plug on it.

Now maybe I wrote about my fondness for porn one too many times, or maybe I over-stepped my boundaries when I talked about video tapping us having sex (she did erase that by the way).  Or maybe it wasn’t anything I said, but rather something my mother said?  No doubt a few of her comments are bordering on disturbing (“a dick is just a dick” or a woman’s private parts are a “va jay jay” – I need my sister to start policing my mom again).

But whatever it was, after 53 blogs which have been read by more than 2,500 people (I’m still amazed by this) I am officially going cold turkey.  No more blogs about sex and no more blogs about porn.  I’m done.  Turning over a new leaf.  From here on out I’m going to stick to what’s going on in my life and what funny observations I have and what silly antidotes I come up with.    

 Here it goes. . . . . . . . .

Crickets.

The wind gently blows outside.

More crickets.

A dog howls in the distance.

A squirrel scurries up a tree.

Crickets.

Shit.  This is not going to be easy.

Okay, here’s what I did today:

In an attempt to find a job I agreed to have a friend of a friend come over to “pitch me” on becoming a sales person for this new energy drink (think Red Bull, but not Red Bull).  It was a long shot from the get go, but I figured why not?  I’ll give this person an hour of my time.  Come on over.

He was 30 minutes late.  No worries.  It happens. 

I offered him something to drink.  He asked me if I had a beer.  It’s 10:55 AM.  This guy has balls big enough to fit in a dump truck.    

He was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt.  Love hooded sweatshirts.  I own six of them.  Wouldn’t wear one to a sales pitch, but hey I once wore a Snoopy tie to a job interview. 

The power point presentation starts.  Lots of slides of big, huge Mr. Universe looking dudes who apparently take this stuff.  Wow.  What the hell is in this can?

Some slide of a giant pyramid.  The guy is admitting that this is a pyramid system, but assures me that ALL of corporate America is in fact one giant pyramid.  I don’t know if he’s right, but this guy’s honesty is both refreshing and suicidal. 

He’s done with his beer.

I’m out of beer.  Note to self, put beer on grocery list . . . you know in case I’m involved in another in-home sales pitch next week.

More slides of some confusing compensation structure.  It looks like you can make A LOT of money selling this stuff.  Fantastic, I need a lot of money.  Where has this guy been all my life?

Wait, the dog just threw up on the floor.  Dear lord he’s trying to eat it while I clean it up.  I’m dry heaving during a sales pitch.  That’s a new one for me.  I once spilled my coffee all over a client’s floor while giving a sales pitch, but I’ve never dry heaved.  It doesn’t appear to be fazing this dude though.  He’s now chugging one of the energy drink samples.  Maybe I should offer him Jagermeister.  He could turn it into a jager-bomb.  Then again he’s already had my one beer so the only thing I can offer him to chase it with is 2% milk or a Lipton Ice Tea.  Forget it.

Okay a few more slides on compensation and then the Piece de Resistance . . . . drum roll please . . . . if I sign up 20,000 people I get . . . . a Lamborghini.  That’s right a LAMBORGHINI!!!!

The guy seems really excited about it.  He’s going on and on how this is “real” and how the company “will reward their top people with Lamborghini’s.” 

 Hey listen I’m sold.  I want the opportunity to make “big money,” I really want the car, and I dig anyone who shows  up at my house to sell me something dressed in a hooded sweatshirt,  but if I buy one case of this stuff my wife is going to kill me.

And I’m already trying to figure out  how I’m going to get the green light to start blogging about sex again, so I’ve got to mind my “P’s” and “Q’s” for the time being. 

No sale today.