The Year End Review

In an attempt to finally shed some weight I have been eating a little bit healthier.    I’ve cut out the fast foods and I have started to really watch the calories.  I’ve been sticking with this for the last couple of weeks.  Baby steps, right?  But so far so good.  I think I’ve actually lost a few pounds already. 

Unfortunately today proved to be a stressful day from the get go.  We had our 7:00 AM sales meeting and that was followed by a handful of clients all calling with quote requests.  I never had a chance to get out to grab a yogurt or a granola bar (and by the way . . . please note that I just said “yogurt” and “granola bar” and not a sausage McMuffin or French Crullers).  Hell, I never even had a chance to grab coffee, so by about 11:30 in the morning, it hit me.  I was hungry, and I was starting to run out of steam.  But I still had one more quote to get out, so when a co-worker asked me if I wanted to go in on ordering some pizzas for the office, I jumped at the chance.  I’ll diet tomorrow.  Right now I need food, and I need food that’s brought to me. 

About 30 minutes later, three large pizzas were sitting in our conference room.  I grabbed a plate and took some pizza back to my office.  Made a few more trips and kept working.  Not sure when it hit me, but at some point I realized that I had pretty much single-handedly taken down an entire large pepperoni pizza.

Whoa.  Not good.  The diet has definitely left the building, but the pizza hit the spot and I was back up and running.  Got the quote done in no time.  All clients happy and accounted for.

With little else going on for the rest of the day, I planned to sit back and follow the NCAA basketball games on ESPN’s website while the pizza digested.

Forgot about the old year-end review meeting though. 

Damn. 

Of course, why wouldn’t I have forgotten about it considering that it’s freaking MID MARCH, and we’re JUST NOW having our year-end review meetings, but hey, I should have had this marked down on some calendar or something.

Shit.

I got the page to come up to my boss’s office around 3:00.

It was me and the two owners of the company. 

Good dudes.  Strange dudes, but good dudes.  Hey they’re bosses.  Never met a boss who wasn’t a “strange, but good dude.”  Well, except for a boss I had once named Rene.  She was the black angel of death.  I was her sales assistant at a small video uplinking company 10+ years ago.  She was awful.  In addition to a number of pointless tasks she insisted I do, she made me water the plants in her office.  So I started watering half the plants while letting the other half go dry.  Half of them died.  She blamed me, and insisted that I replace the plants that died.  I purchased one plastic plant for her.  She didn’t find it funny.  I quit a few months later during a review meeting.

And speaking of reviews, the one I’m going into now was an important one.  The miserable economy has finally caught up with my company, and we have posted back-to-back quarters that were less than impressive.  The “happy-go-lucky” attitude that we typically have in our office is gone, and we are all on notice and taking things MUCH more seriously.  So despite the fact that I’ve forgotten about this review, I’m ready to go, and ready to go in there and show these guys that I’m capable of holding my own.

We start.  All is going well, or as well as a review meeting can go.  I’m involved.  I’m answering their questions.  I’m assuring them that their complaints or concerns will be addressed immediately, and I’m offering my opinions on a variety of different subjects.  Frankly I’m on fire.  I’m nailing this.  I’ve got people laughing.  I’ve got people answering my questions.  I’ve got people responding to my concerns.

I’m the man. 

But then a funny thing happens. . . . . the pizza decides it’s time to come out.  You know the one benefit that no one ever talks about in regards to a diet is going to the bathroom less.  But it’s true.  You simply don’t crap as much when you’re taking in fewer calories.  I’ve gone from sitting on the toilet three times a day to once a day.  It’s become an afterthought as opposed to part of my daily schedule.  So I sorta forgot that a major afternoon explosion was imminent, as I hadn’t had one in almost two weeks.  And yet here I am sitting in my review and it’s go time. . . . literally.  And it goes from good to bad in a hurry.

I start shifting in my chair.  I’m hoping no one notices.  I go from being a legitimate contributor in this meeting to doing more of the “nod and smile.”  I’m simply trying to make eye contact with my bosses.    

A few more minutes pass.

I’m in pain.

I’m no longer doing the “nod and smile.”  At this point I’m just listening for key words and phrases like “you’re fired,” or “we’d like to give you a raise,” or “why is there so much porn on your work computer?”

I think my vision is starting to blur.

A few more minutes pass.

I’m no longer listening for key words and phrases, as all my energy is being spent on trying not to shit my pants.

There’s a chance I already have.

And then just when I think I can’t take it anymore I see a small kitten peer out from underneath my boss’s desk.

OH DEAR LORD I’M STARTING TO HALUCINATE!!!!!!

I’m seeing small, furry animals.

I’m having an out of body experience.

Wait are they laying me off?  Did someone just say “lay off?”  Have I missed a key phrase? 

Oh good lord I have to crap.

Is it possible for shit to work its way UP your body?

Hold  on, did I just say that out loud?

And then suddenly it was all done.  My bosses were standing up and extending their hands towards me.  I shook hands, smiled, thanked them for their time and went straight to the men’s room.

I spent 20 minutes there.  Could very well have been the most painful and yet wonderful 20 minutes of my life.

In the end I was let go.  I got laid off.  The company really is in a bad place and they are starting to let people go. 

And as for that cat, well good news, I wasn’t hallucinating, there really WAS a kitten in my boss’s office.  I guess a co-worker got a cat, and it’s now roaming our offices.

She gets to bring her cat to the office, and I’m asked not to come to the office again.

Terrific.