Christmas . . . Upon Further Review

Okay now that the dust has cleared, and the presents have been unwrapped, and the first round of returns have been made, and the inevitable “talk” of being grateful for those things that we DID get as opposed to being upset over those things that we DID NOT get has been had, maybe it’s time to reflect on all things Christmas.  In fact more to the point, maybe it’s time to take a closer look at the Christmas holiday and ask ourselves whether it’s actually worth it.

Now I recognize that I’m bordering on being hypocritical or at the very least contradictory, as I have gone on record (including my last blog not more than a couple weeks ago) as saying Christmas is not only my favorite holiday, but the best holiday of the year.  But is it really?

Unfortunately, the thing I love most about Christmas is also the thing I despise most about it, and that is Christmas is not just December 25^th, but rather the ENTIRE MONTH of December.  Now that’s not all bad.  On the positive side I love the fact that we put our outdoor lights up in early December, and we “let ‘em burn” until early January.  And I love decorating the tree on one of those first December weekends.  And though I admit some of those holiday radio stations get a little annoying with their 24/7 of Christmas music programming, I do love all the Christmas songs that play throughout the month.  And I truly enjoy the buildup and the anticipation the kids feel as they count down the days until Christmas morning.  That’s all the good stuff.  That’s the stuff that I look forward to every year.

But on the flip-side we are left with outdoor lights that need to be taken down sometime in early January when the average temperature is hovering around 20.  And we are left with a dying tree in our living room which typically is considered a serious fire hazard by January 1st.  And we are left with a small debt after buying all the XBOX games and Lego sets and R/C cars.  Now I’m okay with all of that as I simply chalk that up to “the price you have to pay for a good time,” but it’s the other stuff that goes on during the month that may very well tip the scales against Christmas.

The Holiday Parties – They pretty much go for the entire month of December.  Whether it’s a friendly get-together, a larger themed Christmas party, or some stuffy office holiday party, if you’re not booked every weekend of December, you’re probably not particularly well liked.  And though my wife’s take on these holiday parties are “the more the merrier,” I couldn’t disagree more.  After the first holiday party I’ve pretty much seen everyone I want to see, and after the second holiday party I’ve pretty much told all the funny stories I have, and have heard all the funny stories other people have.  If I’m at a 3^rd holiday party, it is a safe bet that I’ve had sex within the last two hours, I’m there to eat your food, and I’ll probably drop a deuce in your master bathroom.

All the “Christmas-Like” things you plan on doing, but never do – Like drinking eggnog, or going to see the Zoo Lights or going downtown to see all the Macy’s Christmas windows, or having “family movie night” and watching It’s a Wonderful Life or a Christmas Story.  Every year I talk about these things as they all seem very “Christmas-like” to me.  Warm and fuzzy family stuff.  And yet we never do it.  The last time I had a glass of eggnog was when the neighbor a couple doors down brought me a glass of his homemade eggnog while I was taking out my garbage.  It was spectacular, and I spilled it while trying to jack-ass my recycling bin to the curb.  That was three years ago.  And we never make it down for Zoo Lights.  And the last time I saw the Macy’s windows it was called Marshall Field’s.  And to this day I’ve STILL NOT SEEN It’s a Wonderful Life or Christmas Story.  These are all things that sound good, and that I plan on doing, and yet never do (which means Christmas is scarily similar to my sex life . . .   I plan on having more sex . . . . it sounds good . . . and yet I never do).

The Presents – It’s not buying the presents that becomes a big hassle, but rather all the wrapping and the hiding them in places where the kids won’t find them that becomes a big pain in the ass.  They know we’re buying gifts, and they know it’s more fun to be surprised on Christmas morning, and yet kids will be kids, and they just can’t help themselves when it comes to trying to find the gifts.  I’m running out of places to hide them.  Frankly it’s getting the point where I’m not so sure I should hide them anymore.  Why bother?  Hell it’s probably tougher on them if I were to come home with a bundle of unwrapped gifts, put them under the tree for all the world to see, and say “Go ahead and look at them all you want, just don’t touch them until Christmas morning.”  Now THAT’S real torture.  It seems to me that this is pretty much exactly what my wife does with her boobs.  They’re there every day staring right back at me.  Just saying, “how you doing, big boy?”  And yet I don’t get to touch them.  Why shouldn’t the kids know my pain?

Listen, Christmas is a month-long holiday, and while I could make an argument that a holiday as grand as Christmas deserves a full month of celebration, it’s also the reason that most people feel hung-over after the Christmas holiday.  It’s a month that ends with the start of school and the start of work for most people, and we all tend to go overboard so we’re stressed and worried through most of it.  Every other holiday, whether it’s 4^th of July, Halloween or Thanksgiving is literally just one day.  Love it or hate it, it’s over in 24 hours.

So, is it worth the hype? On December 29, in the post-holiday hangover phase, I say maybe we tone it down a little next year…But I know that on December 1 next year I’ll be back on the Christmas bandwagon.