The Manly Dow Average

I’m happy to report that I am by no means an expert on being unemployed.  After all, I’ve been unemployed for less than four months and though I’m not sure my unemployment status is on the verge of changing anytime soon, compared to some of the heartbreaking unemployment stories that you read about or hear about on the news, my current stint on the unemployment list pales in comparison.  Heck, I’ve decided to take the summer off, so I’m not even “pounding the pavement.”

However, I think it’s safe to say that as a guy it’s especially hard to be unemployed.  After all, even with more and more women in the work force, we are, at the end of the day, supposed to be the bread winners.  It’s how we grew up, and it’s certainly how our dads and grandfathers grew up.  It’s the “hunter/gatherer” mentality.  When that is taken away from us, we feel especially bad.  Though I like to joke around about being “a kept man” when my wife walks out of the house to head to work in the morning, I am often times left feeling bad that I am sitting home earning nothing.  There’s no way for me to begin joking about that.  It’s just hard.

So much so that I have spent many afternoons looking in the mirror wondering if my “Manly Dow Average” is dropping to the point where I need to actually pull out my balls just to check if they’re still attached.

You see, you can gauge how well the overall stock market is doing based on just a handful of stocks tracked by the Dow Jones, and I think you can gauge how manly a guy is based on just a handful of things.  I call it the Manly Dow Average.  It’s a 1-10 type of scale, with 1 being a girl, and 10 being Jack Nicholson (seriously is there a cooler dude than Jack?).  Anything seven or over and you’re good to go.  No worries.  A six is fine, but at five you need to worry.  Anything below a five and you probably should avoid getting into a fist fight with your wife as she’d probably drop you with one punch. 

Oh and by the way, you get two points just for being born with balls.  It’s like the SAT where you get 200 points just for signing your name correctly.

Here it goes:

Car – I drive a pretty nice car.  That’s worth 1 point.  Unfortunately it’s a leased car and I’ll have to turn it in next August, so that’s a deduction of a ½ point.  So I’m at 2.5 points.

Job – I’m unemployed.  That’s minus 1 point.  There’s just no way to sugar coat this.  So I’m at 1.5 points. 

Sense of humor – I think I’m pretty funny, which is to say that I think people enjoy laughing at me, but regardless I usually can get people to laugh.  That’s good.  That’s worth 1 point.  So I’m at 2.5 points.

Wardrobe – It’s not good.  Sure I can “clean up” with the best of them, and I own a couple of nice suits and a few stylish button downs, but I prefer basketball shorts and t-shirts, and my newest thing is a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch camouflage shorts which I pretty much refuse to take off.  I rarely leave the house without my wife making a disparaging comment about my clothes, and she has actually stated that she will not be seen with me in the camo shorts.  However, since I’m a guy, I’m allowed to look like a goof at least part of the time, so it’s a wash.  No points added or deducted.  Still at 2.5 points.

Looks – Losing my hair, which is moving to my back, and my six-pack from high school is long gone, but I did get a hot chick to marry me.  That’s worth 1 point.  I’m up to 3.5 points.

Knowledge of Sports – This seems pointless and silly, but actually you HAVE TO know enough to answer any routine sports question your girlfriend or wife may ask.  If she wants to know what a false start in football is, you HAVE TO know the answer.   If she wants to know what an inside the park homerun is, you HAVE TO know the answer.  Now if she wants to know how many yards Joe Namath passed for in Super Bowl III you not only DON’T have to answer that question, you can tell her to pound sand.  I get 1 point here.  I’m up to 4.5 points.

Peeing – Okay I pee sitting down.  Hey, I just do.  Unless there’s an actual urinal, I prefer to sit down and pee.  That’s minus ½ point.    

Cooking – I can’t cook worth a damn.  That’s plus ½ point.  Yes, it’s worth noting that if a guy is a great cook it is also worth a ½ point as most women would find that very sexy.  However if you can’t cook at all it’s still worth a ½ point.  Guys aren’t supposed to know how to cook.  That’s cool.  The only way to get a deduction here is if you’re an okay cook because that means your wife will actually defer some of the weekly cooking chores to you.  Not cool.  You’re either Wolfgang Puck or you can sit on the couch and wait to be called to the dinner table.  Either way you get a ½ point.

Underwear – I like tighty-whities.  That’s minus ½ point.  Boxers or boxer briefs are much more manly, and therefore worth ½ point, but I just can’t do it. Bikini briefs, especially ones with colors and designs are minus 2 points.  There’s just no excuse.

Pornography – I do like porn.  That’s a ½ point.  Yes I’m sure I’d be hard pressed to find too many guys who don’t like porn, but they’re out there, and that’s a serious deduction.  You show me a dude who doesn’t like porn, and I’ll show you a questionable guy.  Come on, what’s not to like?  I’d watch my mailman have sex if I could. 

Pets – I like dogs, not cats.  That’s worth a ½ point.  Cats (and miniature dogs, for that matter) are minus ½ point.

Living a sexual fantasy – I once got a blow job while eating pizza and watching ESPN’s Sportscenter.  That’s a true story.  That’s worth 1 1/2 points.  It’s pretty much the Triple Crown.

So where does that leave me . . . 6.5 points.  I’m still a dude, but you see what I mean about not having a job?  I’d be a solid 7.5 if I just had a job.