Sex-Ed Q and A

Sometimes things just fall right into your lap.  The stars and planets align, and everything just works out perfectly.  Now typically this is not the case in my life.  If I’m in a rush, I’ll get every red light, and a long freight train to boot.  If I’ve got the perfect evening planned, something will come along and screw it up.  “Murphy’s Law” could very well have been written specifically for me.  If I ever write my autobiography I’m going to call it “Head Winds . . . Always In Them.” 

However, as the old saying goes. . . “Even the sun shines on a dog’s ass every so often.”  And this week I’m the dog and the sun is shining brightly.

As I sat down the other day to draft a new blog I was hit with a classic case of writers’ block.  Wasn’t sure what to blog about.  After all, with the exception of juggling some pre-season little league games and a few travel soccer practices, I have a whole lot of nothing going on in my life.  But then I remembered that my 5^th grader just started his week of sex-ed classes . . . Houston, we have ignition.

Better yet, the school is sending out a list of all the questions asked by the students during the week as a way of keeping the parents informed of what’s going on and what’s being discussed in sex-ed class.  Frankly, this cannot be an easy week for the school district (though I’m not sure they’re helping themselves by having the gym teacher handle the sex-ed responsibilities . . . it seems that they could have found someone better to give the bird’s and bee’s talk than the dude who’s picking the dodge ball teams), but they are doing their best to keep order in the classroom and keep the parents up to speed on things.

Anyway, a list of sex-ed questions is being e-mailed home every day . . . Houston, we have lift off.

So I’ve patiently waited each day for the school to send the daily questions, and then I’ve picked a couple of the best ones from each day.  Well, today is Friday, so without further ado, here are my favorite questions asked by my son’s 5^th grade class, and the answers that I WOULD GIVE . . . which I suspect are different than the answers the gym teacher gave:

Q – When you get your period, does it hurt?

A – Listen, this obviously isn’t my area of expertise, so I can’t say for sure whether this hurts, but I do know that for about six days every month my wife is a raging bitch.  And on a side note, for you guys out there, contrary to popular belief, your wife is NOT more likely to give you a blow job during this week.  You’re better off just leaving her alone.  And WHATEVER YOU DO . . . don’t suggest that “you’re letting her off easy by JUST asking for a blow job.”  I mean, I’ve heard that this is a bad idea.  Wouldn’t know for sure myself.  I’m just saying. . . .

Q – What happens if the sperm doesn’t get to the egg?

A – What’s that old saying . . . “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

Q – What is a wet dream?

A – Let’s see, Elle McPherson, Cindy Crawford, Pam Anderson, and Katie Couric.  I know.  I know.  Katie Couric.  More like Katie Couric during her stint on The Today Show.  Whatever.  Shut up.

Q – Do boys get erections when they’re aroused?

A – Yes.  And they get them when the wind blows from the opposite direction.  And they get them when the sun rises and sets.  And they get them when they’re thinking about erections and they get them when they’re not thinking about erections.  Basically you spend most of your life walking around with an erection.  Good luck.

Q – What are breasts?

A – Fun bags.  God’s gift to man.  Something you reach for constantly.  Something you stare at all the time.  Mounds of mouth-watering flesh that defy gravity.  All of the above.

Q – What is the youngest age you can get pregnant?

A – 18 FELLAS!!!  She’s gotta be 18!!!!  I can’t stress this enough!!!!!

Q – When you are young can you see what kind of an adult you’ll be?

A – Yes.  Just look at your parents.  And if your dad just happens to be a guy who only shaves once a week, doesn’t have a job, eats a lot of Double Stuffed Oreos, swears at the TV when the Cubs are on and laughs at himself while he’s typing on his computer . . . well . . . I’m sorry.  Unfortunately there’s no do-over.  You’re fucked.

Q – How does the sperm get into the girl’s body?

A – Well kid, with a little bit of luck and a lot of wine. 

I wish this sex-ed class was longer than a week!