The “Free Pass”

Negotiations are simply a part of everyday life.  If you think about it you probably negotiate something every single day.  Now, some of those negotiations are serious and important.  You negotiate the price of your house or the price of your car or you negotiate a lucrative deal with a client.  Other types of negotiations are less serious and less important, but probably happen more often.  You negotiate with your wife on what movie to see on Saturday night (though actually that’s more of a concession than a negotiation . . . . I’ve seen The Notebook and The Devil Wears Prada, my wife has yet to see Good Fellas and Reservoir Dogs), or you negotiate with your kids on how much candy they can have.  Unless of course your kids are skinny little bastards like mine, in which case you green light most of their candy needs.  Seriously, I’m trying to pump my youngest with calories because you can see every rib and muscle in his body.  I’ll pretty much give him a Hershey Bar whenever he wants it.

So I guess it should come as no surprise that my sex life also involves negotiation.  Now, that’s not to say that I’m negotiating every part of my sex life, but rather the frequency.  How often I get sex has become a major negotiation for me and my wife, and I suspect I’m not alone here.  While there are the exceptions to every rule, most guys I know are constantly trying to figure out how to get more sex from their wives.  Yes, I know there are some wives who actually tire out their husbands in their pursuit of a good time, but I have to say they are definitely in the minority.  I personally have tried pretty much every trick in the book, and other than diamonds (that actually works amazingly well), nothing works.  So I’ve begun negotiating, and in fact I’ve opened it up for public debate.  Well sorta.

Last weekend my wife and I were out with two other couples, when I thought I’d begin the negotiating right there at the table.  The idea. . . . . the “free pass” – sex any time, day or night, and our wives couldn’t say no.  The men thought this was a great idea, and of course the three ladies were less than thrilled with the plan.  So we started negotiations, after all, no good plan passes without some sort of negotiating process.

First part of the negotiations was the number of “free passes” the guys would get.  We started with two a month and we were quickly shot down.  So we revised that plan and came up with 12, and we agreed that we could only use one pass per month, so it really was a once-a-month kind of thing.  We also agreed that the passes would not carry over, so if you for some reason forgot to use one you could not use two the next month.  This particular part of the negotiation was easy to agree to as none of the guys really worried about forgetting to use their monthly pass.  That’s like forgetting to breathe or forgetting to eat that extra glazed donut or forgetting to scratch your balls or forgetting to moon your wife while she sits in front of her home computer on a video conference call.  Okay, that last one maybe uniquely mine, but my point is guys just don’t forget that kind of stuff.  We weren’t worried about the “carry-over” thing; we’ll remember to use the monthly free pass.   So we seemed set at 12.  One a month.

So far so good.  The guys were rolling, and the women were in agreement, albeit begrudgingly.

Next up was whether the women could have veto power over the free pass.  The women basically wanted the right to veto a free pass if we tried to use the free pass when they simply were not in the mood.  Now, they assured  us that if a veto was used, we would still be allowed to use that free pass later on in the month, but they were missing the whole point of the free pass. . . we wanted the free pass because our sex lives  have become a VETO SESSION.  If I could get sex whenever I wanted it, I wouldn’t need this stupid free pass thing.  Hell, if my wife green-lighted HALF of the sex I wanted, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.  So no freaking veto power.  No.  The women agreed, but seemed less than sympathetic to our cries of “less sex” since getting married. 

We’re two-thirds there.

Final part of the negotiation centered around whether the free pass could be used any time of day, or whether it had to be used before midnight on any given day?  This one seemed like a no-brainer.  It’s a free pass. . . . we should be able to cash it in at any time.  The women disagreed, arguing that there were certain times of the day they simply had ZERO INTEREST in having sex . . . mainly dead of night.  They had no interest of being woken up in the middle of the night to have sex.  None at all.  Period.  End of story.  In fact, they threatened us with less sex if we even considered it.  They were digging in here, and weren’t going to budge.  Sleep ruled all, and there was no negotiating around this. 

So I too refused to waver and said if I can’t use this thing anytime I want, then I don’t want it.  So guess what. . . end of negotiation.  I lost.  No such thing as a free pass in my house.  I’ll have to keep negotiating.