Dinner Parties

Okay, you’re not usually going to find a lot of advice in my blogs (well at least not a lot of “helpful” advice), but this time that’s exactly what you’re going to get. . . . . good advice.  So pay attention, and just know that I’M RIGHT!!

Either dinner parties never really went away or they’re making a serious comeback because more and more, my wife and I are getting invites to dinner parties.  To me this is something that my parents did with their friends.  I “get together” with friends.  Or I play “couples paddle” with friends.  Or I go on “date night” with my wife.  I don’t go to “dinner parties.”  This makes me feel old.  But apparently they are popular again.  Frankly, I could do without them, but since I pretty much have no say in our social agenda (and I suspect many of my pals have about as much say in their respective social agendas as I do), I guess I’m stuck with the weekend dinner parties.  So with that being said here are a few things that I think people should keep in mind when throwing a dinner party (at least if you’re going to invite me):

The Guest List – This is important.  Probably the most important element of the whole thing.  You screw up the guest list and it won’t matter how good the food is or how cold the beer is, no one will have fun.  So stick with what you know works.  Don’t get “cute.”  Don’t try to mix and match couples who don’t know each other.  In short, don’t play “couples match-maker” at your dinner party.  Invite people who know each other already and who you know get along and/or share common interests.  And don’t discount the “kid factor.”  Though we’re all adults and we SHOULD be able to put our kid’s lives behind us, we can’t.  If you know one of your friend’s sons is porking another friend’s daughter DON’T invite those two couples to the same party.

The Meal – Just stick with what works.  Unless your last name is Puck and your first name just happens to be Wolfgang don’t go crazy here.  A dinner party is NOT an opportunity for you to show off your culinary skills.  Your friends don’t want Vietnamese Summer Rolls followed by a Lentil Salad with Tomato and Dill with a main course of Grilled Tofu with Sautéed Asian Greens.  In fact I’m going to go on record and say that if you invite me to your dinner party and serve a menu that’s anywhere CLOSE to what I just wrote I will redeposit all of it in your shower stall before I leave.  Just serve a normal meal.  You know why people like restaurants . . . . . because they have choices to choose from.  Now, you don’t have to give your guests a menu to choose from, but you do have to TRY to make something that the AVERAGE person likes . . . . meat and potatoes.  Grill some freaking red meat, whip up some potatoes and call it a day.  You want to add a little something special to it . . .  make some sauce for the meat that people can add it they want or feel free to create some masterful salad.  That’s fine.  If you fuck up the salad people don’t go hungry all night long.  You fuck up the main course, and I’m searching for the closest McDonald’s drive through at 11:30 at night. 

And speaking of late night, when do dinner parties end?  At a restaurant dinner ends when you’re done eating.  Maybe you order a cup of coffee and some dessert, but dinner is over when there’s no more food in front of you.  This is not the case for a dinner party.  People just tend to hang around.  Don’t.  If I wanted you to hang out all night long I’d call it a SLEEP OVER and NOT a dinner party.  When you see your host start to yawn or when your host stops talking or when your host starts to wash the dishes. . . it’s time to get out of dodge.  Pick your ass up and LEAVE!

Listen, there’s no ulterior motive here with this blog.  I’m not trying to get out of future dinner parties (well I am, but people seem to genuinely like my wife, so I keep getting invited), I’m just trying to help anyone and everyone who’s thinking about throwing or going to one of these ridiculous events.

People can and do throw good dinner parties.  They do.  I’ve actually been to some good ones.  In fact I was just at one the other day and the host served me double stuffed Oreo cookies with ice cold milk.  Really.  Sure, she had made a nice dessert, but she pulled out a bag of double stuffed just for me.  This is fantastic.  Best damned dinner party ever.  In all seriousness, it bothers me that this woman didn’t marry me.  Anyone who would whip out a bag of Oreos and 2% milk at a fancy dinner party with three other couples should have been my wife.

Special Clauses in my Contract

So pitchers and catchers officially report today to spring training which means the 2010 baseball season officially begins.  There’s no better time of year.  Teams are talking about the playoffs and the players all look healthy and strong and the weather in Arizona and Florida looks warm and inviting and for the next six weeks guys get to stretch out their arms and perfect their timing and it doesn’t matter whether they win or lose their spring training games because it’s “just spring training after all.”  It’s awesome.  THIS is the time of year where I’d like to be a major league baseball player. 

Unfortunately my chances of playing pro ball ended years ago.  Ironically it ended because my dad was trying to get me ready to play pro ball.  You see my old man was a big sports guy.  Played both tennis and baseball in high school and went to college on a tennis scholarship.  The guy was an athletic stud.  So fast forward to little league baseball.  He’s got me all ready to go.  He’s been pitching tennis balls to me in the driveway for years.  And I’m crushing them.  He’s firing tennis balls at me at speeds MUCH FASTER than any 12 year old could throw and I’m hitting the ball on the screws.  I don’t mind saying that I was a pretty solid hitter back in the day.  First game of the year, and in my very first at bat I get DRILLED with the pitch.  I crumble like an accordion.  My next three at bats I bail out of the batter’s box before the pitcher even delivers the pitch.  The problem is, of course, they’re not throwing tennis balls, but hard balls.  So my dad figures this is an easy fix.  We head to Sportmart (this is a true story) and buy a dozen hard balls.  We head home, my dad gives me a bat and then he proceeds to HURL hard balls at me.  I think he hit me with four of the first six pitches he threw.  That was about it.  The end of my baseball career.  I bailed out of the batter’s box as soon as the pitcher went into his motion.  To this day I’m still scared of someone throwing a hard ball at me.  Literally I think I’d rather have someone come at me with a knife than with a hard ball. 

And what bothers me most about not making it as a big league ball player is the fact that I’m never going to have “special clauses” in my contract like so many ball players have nowadays.  You hear of guys having clauses that stipulate that they get a luxury box for their family for every home game, or they get to fly their family 1^st class to eight road games a year or they get certain jersey numbers or if you’re Roy Oswalt you get a bull dozer.  Oswalt was promised a bull dozer by Astros owner Drayton McLane if Oswalt won his NLCS game in 2005.  Oswalt dominated the Cardinals to send the Astros to their first ever World Series and Oswalt got a Caterpillar D6N XL bull dozer.

I love that kind of stuff, so much so that I actually have my list of clauses that I’d want included in my contract:

#1 – I want an unlimited number of in-room movies included when we’re on the road.  I LOVE in-room movies.  They are without question my most favorite thing about hotels.  You push a button and suddenly a new movie is on.  It’s awesome and I want to be able to watch as many of them FOR FREE as I can while on the road.  Quick story . . . went to Mexico with my wife a number of years ago and had in-room movies.  Well it turns out that the movie The Perfect Storm was somehow broken.  It would end and then start up again.  It was like it was looped.  Well I watched it eight times during the week we were there.  Had it on while we were having sex once (I turned the volume down).  Simply awesome.

#2 – Unlimited room service.  Room service is my second favorite thing about hotel rooms and I always make sure that the hotel I’m staying in has 24-hour room service.  I just like knowing that I COULD order a slice of chocolate cake and a glass of milk at 3:25 in the AM.  Fantastic.

#3 – I want part of my salary paid in gift cards.  I love gift cards.  All sorts of gift cards.  Blockbuster gift cards. Dick’s Sporting Goods gift cards.  iTunes gift cards.  Best Buy gift cards.  Home Depot gift cards.  And so on.  I love plastic gift cards. I love walking into a store and buying shit with a gift card.  To me it’s like one level below stealing the stuff.  I’m ALMOST getting it for free. 

#4 – I want double stuffed Oreo’s and a milk dispenser in the dugout.  I don’t care about the gum and the chewing tobacco and the Gatorade.  I want double stuffed Oreo’s and ice cold milk.  This will keep me going during the 162 game schedule.    

#5 – I will only give interviews to hot female reporters.  I’ll spend an hour talking to Erin Andrews, but if Jay Mariotti asks me a question I want it in my contract that I do NOT have to answer it.

#6 – I want private showers.  I’m not showering with a bunch of dudes.  I’m against this for a number of different reasons not the least of which is it’s not good for my self confidence. 

#7 – Fluff girls.  That’s right, fluff girls.  Hey if Oswalt got a freaking bull dozer I can get a couple of hot groupies brought into the locker room before or after games. 

 Boy if only they threw tennis balls in the majors.