My Wife’s Job Security

The very first performance review I had did not go as well as I had hoped.  At the time I was a 25-year old sales assistant for some video news uplink company, and I had a performance review after six months on the job.  I was called into our conference room where my boss proceeded to tell me that while my work was good, I was basically “one dimensional.” When she first called me “one dimensional” I remember thinking “is this good?”  Does this mean I’m singularly focused and dedicated to the task at hand?  However as she continued to talk I quickly realized that being “one dimensional” was NOT a good thing.

So at the end of the review she asked me if I had any questions and I asked the only obvious question that came to mind . . . “how do I become less one dimensional?”  And this is where it gets good.  This is where you’re going to assume that I’m joking or exaggerating, but you need to know that I’m NOT AT ALL joking or exaggerating . . . and she said, “You can’t, because I’m not willing to teach you.  Call it unfair, but I call it job security on my part.”  And with that I got an $1,800 raise, and the meeting was over.

I quit that job in the middle of my next performance review (literally got up and walked out DURING the actual review . . . left my boss sitting at the conference room table), but I’ve never forgotten her comment regarding “job security.”  Though it was incredibly selfish I can see where she was coming from.  You can’t go around telling people all your trade secrets, and you can’t go around telling people how to do everything or eventually you may be replaced by the very person who you’ve trained.  You’ve got to have SOME talents that only YOU can do.  Otherwise what exactly do YOU bring to the table?

Which leads me to my current debate . . . do I really need my wife??  Does she have any job security in this relationship, and if so, what is it??  It seems to me that overall she’s made some potentially fatal decisions on her part.

For starters she’s shown me how to cook.  To be more specific, she’s shown me how to cook BOTH turkey tacos and bagel sandwiches.  This was NOT a good call on her part for I can pretty much live off of turkey tacos and bagel sandwiches.  I mean I literally could eat NOTHING BUT turkey tacos and bagel sandwiches, and six months ago I couldn’t make either.  In fact six months ago the two things I liked most about my wife were her boobs and her bagel sandwiches (actually in that order) . . . now all she has is the boobs.  I’m a bagel sandwich master chief.  In fact I’d put my bagel sandwiches up against hers any day of the week.  We need to have a bagel sandwich Iron Chief Competition.  I think I could win.  And my turkey tacos are to die for.  Now add to that the fact that I can order a pizza just as well as she can, and can drive myself to Burger King anytime I want, and I’m wondering whether I really need her in the kitchen at all??  She keeps telling me that she wants a bigger, newer, nicer and better kitchen and at this point I’m thinking of turning the kitchen into a game room.  All I need is a burner and a microwave.  The rest of it is wasted space.

Then there’s the whole homework thing with the kids.  I don’t know how to do any of it.  My son’s 4^th grade math might as well be written in Mandarin Chinese, and don’t get me started on my 7^th grade son’s homework.  I’m dumbfounded by it.  This is CLEARLY my wife’s area of expertise.  But somewhere along the way a funny thing happened. . . my 7^th grader got smart.  And I don’t know how because I’m two-thirds to a retard which pretty much trumps my wife’s higher IQ, but the little guy is smart and gets good grades doing his own work.  So not only does he not need a lot of help with homework, but any time my younger son needs help I just send him to see his brother.  Some kids get an allowance for making their beds or for walking the dog or for taking out the trash . . . I pay my 7^th grader to help my 4^th grader with homework.  I don’t get involved.  In fact they’re both better off if I don’t get involved.  Now do they occasionally need some assistance?  Sure.  And no doubt that’s where my wife comes in.  However, we bought a house (a house that she chose I might add) in a neighborhood filled with teachers.  My next door neighbor is a teacher.  The husband and wife who live right across the street are teachers, and another one of our good friends who’s just two blocks away is a teacher.  If the kid really needs help I’ll send him next door or across the street.  I don’t need my wife for this.

And I know what you’re thinking . . . how are you going to get sex without the wife. . . don’t be ridiculous . . the porn industry is a billion dollar a year industry for a reason . . . because people like having sex WITHOUT the wife every so often.  Because every so often you want to have sex without the romance.  Because every so often you want to have sex without worrying about whether your wife is “in the mood.”  Yeah, enter porn.

So okay, she brings home the bacon.  And works a lot and travels for work to support the family and pay the bills.   I get it, and I’m VERY grateful for her work ethic and her willingness to continue to do this day in and day out without complaint.  But I’m more concerned about what she does for me.  And I’ll say this . . . I think she probably needs to become a porn star in bed because she’s becoming a little one-dimensional here.  Then again, and in all fairness, I’m AT BEST one-dimensional, so I suppose two one-dimensional people add up to at least two dimensions, right?  I guess we’ll work on the whole 3D thing later.