Research . . Someone Has To Do It

My neighbor and I have an ongoing debate over whether being out in the cold hinders your chances of fighting the common cold, or whether it simply plays no part whatsoever.  She’s convinced that once you’re sick, you’re sick, and being outside isn’t going to play any part in how fast you recover, while I contend that once you’re sick you should be inside and not out in the cold. 

Now frankly I don’t really give a shit, and actually as long as my neighbor continues to occasionally bring over brownies and cakes and cookies (this woman has mad skills in the kitchen) I’m more than willing to concede on this one, but just for shits and giggles (basically because I have the free time) I thought I’d do some Internet research on the subject.

And sure enough there were 101 different “studies” on this exact subject.  Some that confirmed her belief, and some that confirmed mine.  But what was more amazing is how many other “studies” I came across while searching out this one.  I’m talking about HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS (hell thousands upon thousands) of “medical studies” on everything from the effectiveness of weight loss drugs to the viability of shark cartilage as a cancer drug.  Amazing.   

But upon closer review, what was even more amazing is how many “dumb-ass” (please note, that’s not a medical term) studies were out there.  I mean studies that made no sense whatsoever.  As in I couldn’t figure out why an actual study had been conducted in the first place.  Forget the final results of the study, I couldn’t figure out why someone had wasted their time looking into this subject, and I sure as shit couldn’t figure out why someone had paid for this study to be done.  After all, I’m assuming NO ONE is doing ANY OF THIS for free.  Someone out there is paying for this research, and someone is cashing a check to do the research.

Don’t believe me . . .

I found a study claiming that children who drank caffeine slept less than children who did not drink caffeine. 

I found another study that says that people who exercise regularly are in better shape than those people who sit on the couch.    

There was another study that claims that the majority of women do not like to be told they’re fat. 

I read a study that concluded that people who cannot afford their own cars are more likely to take public transportation. 

There was a study that said that people, even “optimistic people,” were disappointed by getting fired. 

And I found a study that claims that tired people make more mistakes than people who are well rested. 

I’m not making this stuff up.  Literally it’s all out there. 

But it got me thinking . . . . if there really is all this medical “research” going on out there, and if there really are people who are paying for this “research,” well maybe there’s a way for me to cash in on it?

Now I’m certainly not the guy to look into the viability of shark cartilage as a cancer drug (that’s definitely not my area of expertise), but there are other “areas” where I do have some “expertise,” and I would be happy to share my conclusions with people . . . . for the right price, of course.

For instance, I am willing to look into whether or not a guy prefers to receive or give oral sex.  In fact, since I’ve already done a little bit of research on this one, I’m willing to reduce my fee . . . hey I’m doing this in the name of science.  While I’m at it I may “study” whether women prefer to give oral sex while watching Leno or say the Food Network.  It’s a BOGO.  It’s a two-for-one.  Someone get the American Medical Journal on the horn.

I’m going to look into the old adage that “there’s no such thing as a bad pizza.”  I’ll conduct countless research by eating a variety of different pizzas.  Now I assure you that I’ll study both deep dish and thin crust, and I’ll even look into plain cheese pizza versus say a pepperoni pizza.  No stones will be left unturned.  I will pour everything I have into this one.

I’m also willing to study which sports are best in person, and which are best on TV.  Now this one might take me a full year as I feel the need to catch football, baseball, hockey and basketball games in person as well as on TV, and since the pro sports seasons pretty much span an entire year, well this study won’t be wrapped up anytime soon, but by God I’m going to do it. 

I’m going to study the effectiveness of wine versus hard alcohol and which one gets your wife drunk and in the mood best.  Sure most people would assume hard alcohol, but this study is deeper than just which one gets your wife drunk faster.  Hell that’s easy. . . give her some Vodka and she’s down within 30 minutes, but this study is about which one gets her IN THE MOOD BEST.

And I’m going to study which cream filled dessert is best with ice cold milk.  Is it the Zebra Cake?  The Ho-Ho?  The Ding Dong?  The Twinkie?  I don’t know, but I will definitely find out.

So, should I start sending proposals to snack food, liquor, pizza and other companies to determine their interest?  Or maybe I’ll just volunteer my time and get to work.  No financial support necessary.  I’ll start with the first one.

The Year End Review

In an attempt to finally shed some weight I have been eating a little bit healthier.    I’ve cut out the fast foods and I have started to really watch the calories.  I’ve been sticking with this for the last couple of weeks.  Baby steps, right?  But so far so good.  I think I’ve actually lost a few pounds already. 

Unfortunately today proved to be a stressful day from the get go.  We had our 7:00 AM sales meeting and that was followed by a handful of clients all calling with quote requests.  I never had a chance to get out to grab a yogurt or a granola bar (and by the way . . . please note that I just said “yogurt” and “granola bar” and not a sausage McMuffin or French Crullers).  Hell, I never even had a chance to grab coffee, so by about 11:30 in the morning, it hit me.  I was hungry, and I was starting to run out of steam.  But I still had one more quote to get out, so when a co-worker asked me if I wanted to go in on ordering some pizzas for the office, I jumped at the chance.  I’ll diet tomorrow.  Right now I need food, and I need food that’s brought to me. 

About 30 minutes later, three large pizzas were sitting in our conference room.  I grabbed a plate and took some pizza back to my office.  Made a few more trips and kept working.  Not sure when it hit me, but at some point I realized that I had pretty much single-handedly taken down an entire large pepperoni pizza.

Whoa.  Not good.  The diet has definitely left the building, but the pizza hit the spot and I was back up and running.  Got the quote done in no time.  All clients happy and accounted for.

With little else going on for the rest of the day, I planned to sit back and follow the NCAA basketball games on ESPN’s website while the pizza digested.

Forgot about the old year-end review meeting though. 

Damn. 

Of course, why wouldn’t I have forgotten about it considering that it’s freaking MID MARCH, and we’re JUST NOW having our year-end review meetings, but hey, I should have had this marked down on some calendar or something.

Shit.

I got the page to come up to my boss’s office around 3:00.

It was me and the two owners of the company. 

Good dudes.  Strange dudes, but good dudes.  Hey they’re bosses.  Never met a boss who wasn’t a “strange, but good dude.”  Well, except for a boss I had once named Rene.  She was the black angel of death.  I was her sales assistant at a small video uplinking company 10+ years ago.  She was awful.  In addition to a number of pointless tasks she insisted I do, she made me water the plants in her office.  So I started watering half the plants while letting the other half go dry.  Half of them died.  She blamed me, and insisted that I replace the plants that died.  I purchased one plastic plant for her.  She didn’t find it funny.  I quit a few months later during a review meeting.

And speaking of reviews, the one I’m going into now was an important one.  The miserable economy has finally caught up with my company, and we have posted back-to-back quarters that were less than impressive.  The “happy-go-lucky” attitude that we typically have in our office is gone, and we are all on notice and taking things MUCH more seriously.  So despite the fact that I’ve forgotten about this review, I’m ready to go, and ready to go in there and show these guys that I’m capable of holding my own.

We start.  All is going well, or as well as a review meeting can go.  I’m involved.  I’m answering their questions.  I’m assuring them that their complaints or concerns will be addressed immediately, and I’m offering my opinions on a variety of different subjects.  Frankly I’m on fire.  I’m nailing this.  I’ve got people laughing.  I’ve got people answering my questions.  I’ve got people responding to my concerns.

I’m the man. 

But then a funny thing happens. . . . . the pizza decides it’s time to come out.  You know the one benefit that no one ever talks about in regards to a diet is going to the bathroom less.  But it’s true.  You simply don’t crap as much when you’re taking in fewer calories.  I’ve gone from sitting on the toilet three times a day to once a day.  It’s become an afterthought as opposed to part of my daily schedule.  So I sorta forgot that a major afternoon explosion was imminent, as I hadn’t had one in almost two weeks.  And yet here I am sitting in my review and it’s go time. . . . literally.  And it goes from good to bad in a hurry.

I start shifting in my chair.  I’m hoping no one notices.  I go from being a legitimate contributor in this meeting to doing more of the “nod and smile.”  I’m simply trying to make eye contact with my bosses.    

A few more minutes pass.

I’m in pain.

I’m no longer doing the “nod and smile.”  At this point I’m just listening for key words and phrases like “you’re fired,” or “we’d like to give you a raise,” or “why is there so much porn on your work computer?”

I think my vision is starting to blur.

A few more minutes pass.

I’m no longer listening for key words and phrases, as all my energy is being spent on trying not to shit my pants.

There’s a chance I already have.

And then just when I think I can’t take it anymore I see a small kitten peer out from underneath my boss’s desk.

OH DEAR LORD I’M STARTING TO HALUCINATE!!!!!!

I’m seeing small, furry animals.

I’m having an out of body experience.

Wait are they laying me off?  Did someone just say “lay off?”  Have I missed a key phrase? 

Oh good lord I have to crap.

Is it possible for shit to work its way UP your body?

Hold  on, did I just say that out loud?

And then suddenly it was all done.  My bosses were standing up and extending their hands towards me.  I shook hands, smiled, thanked them for their time and went straight to the men’s room.

I spent 20 minutes there.  Could very well have been the most painful and yet wonderful 20 minutes of my life.

In the end I was let go.  I got laid off.  The company really is in a bad place and they are starting to let people go. 

And as for that cat, well good news, I wasn’t hallucinating, there really WAS a kitten in my boss’s office.  I guess a co-worker got a cat, and it’s now roaming our offices.

She gets to bring her cat to the office, and I’m asked not to come to the office again.

Terrific.