I Need More Beads

So there’s a new “Self Help” book out called ’40 Beads.’  It’s written by a married woman and it specifically focuses on improving your sex life with your spouse.  In just a matter of weeks its shot up the Best Seller’s List which simply confirms my theory that if I had the ability to help people, or if I had any good advice to share with people . . . about almost anything . . . I’d be a published author.  As it stands . . . I have a lightly read blog. 

Anyway this whole 40 Beads thing started when this woman decided to give her husband 40 straight days of sex for his 40^th birthday.  Now let me just stop right there and throw a “shout out” to this woman . . . . “IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH YOUR CURRENT HUSBAND PLEASE CALL ME!!!!”

I asked for an iPad for my 40^th birthday . . . . and I didn’t get it. 

This woman just offers up 40 straight days of sex. 

Are you kidding me?

This woman is my new hero. 

Of course not more than a couple days into her 40-day sex marathon she realized that this was going to be easier said than done.  So she came up with this plan to give her husband 40 beads, and whenever he wanted sex all he had to do was drop one of the beads into a bowl which she kept by her bed, and within 24-hours of him doing so she’d be ready to go.  As she says in her book “She’d be a sure thing.”

So it was basically 40 “Free Passes” for sex. 

Fine.  It’s not exactly the 40 straight days of sex, but its 40 guaranteed romps in the sack.  Not bad.  It definitely beats an iPad. . . . which again I DID NOT GET.  I can’t stress this enough . . . literally I still don’t own an iPad and my birthday was in early February.

So there’s the “jist” of the book.  But of course it got me thinking.  Why only 40 Beads?  Why not 50 Beads?  Or 60 Beads?  Is this woman telling her husband that he’s only guaranteed sex 40 times a year?  Sure when you’re holding 40 beads in your hand it probably seems like a whole lot of beads, but when you consider that there’s 365 days in a year suddenly those 40 beads don’t look so good.  I think she’s short changing this dude. 

Here’s the way I see it . . .

Our starting number is 365 days. 

Now subtract 84 days for her 12 menstrual cycles.  Listen I’m not even going to get into this.  I barely understand the male body let alone the female body.  I don’t care that some women have shorter cycles while others have longer cycles.  The fact that I just wrote that makes me uncomfortable.  Talk about an area where I CANNOT offer advice.  I’m simply going to account for one full week per month.  Now if you can work in a BJ while she’s on that cycle, well God Bless You.   

So now we’re down to 281 days.

Now subtract another 140 days which is half the remaining number.  And why am I deleting half of 281?  Really?  You need to ask?  Seriously?  Let me ask you a question fellas. . . . how many times have you said this exact line . . . “Well I’ve got a 50/50 shot at getting laid tonight.”  There you go.  Delete 140 days.  I’m simply doing this in an attempt to be realistic.  If someone out there has a better than 50% chance of getting laid whenever they ask for it, well chances are you’re not reading my blog . . . and by the way . . . fuck you. 

So now we’re down to 140 days.

Now subtract another 40 days.  This is what I call miscellaneous bullshit.  It’s the petty excuses that women use to get out of having weekday sex.  It’s the comments, or the roll of the eyes, or the shrug of the shoulders that keep us from getting sex on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.   It’s your “I’ve had a long day at work,” excuse.  Or “The kids drove me nuts today, and I’m in no mood” excuse.  It’s the “You just played paddle tonight while I stayed home with the kids,” comment.  Now I don’t care whether you play paddle or even if you have kids. . . . just subtract 40 days.  Your wife can EASILY come up with 40 excuses on why she doesn’t want to have sex with you on a weekday. 

Now we’re at 100.

Subtract 1 for her birthday.  It’s HER BIRTHDAY!!  Are you kidding?  Even I know not to ask for sex on HER BIRTHDAY!

We’re at 99.

Subtract 1 for Mother’s Day.  Again, don’t be silly.  I’m thrilled if my wife acknowledges my presence on Mother’s Day.  She usually reminds me that I should take the kids and “get lost” on Mother’s Day. 

98 days now.

Subtract 35 more for all the dumb shit things we say and do during the year.  This includes, but is not limited to the following:

• Getting out of the shower, shaking your tally-wacker and saying “You want a piece of this, don’t you?”  Surprisingly that is not a turn on for women.
• Getting caught plotting out your “date-night” schedule AROUND her menstrual cycle.  Again I don’t really understand this whole menstrual cycle thing, but I do know that I’d rather not “waste” a Saturday night out if I have no chance of getting laid.  That’s the Saturday night we sit home and order in pizza.  My plan there was a good one, but in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have put those big red “X’s” through the calendar.
•  Asking any of the following questions upon climbing into bed at night: 
• Do you want to lick my balls?
• Can I tea bag you?
• Can I stick my love rod in you?
• Can I stick my tongue in your ear?

Even if your wife is drunk she’ll never say “yes” to any of those things.  Seriously I know what I’m talking about.  Just trust me.

 Which brings us to 63.

I want 63 Beads.  Granted it’s not as catchy a title as 40 Beads, but it’s what’s fair.  She’s short-changed her husband by 23 Beads.

There’s 365 days in a year.  I don’t think we’re asking too much for wanting “guaranteed sex” 63 times.

After all, it still gives our wives 302 days to turn us down.  

You know actually a follow up to ’40 Beads’ could be ‘325 Ways to Say No.’

I could write it.  I’ve heard them all.