My grandfather passed away when I was 16. Days later, as we were getting ready for the funeral, my dad came to me and said, “Listen, you say a lot of stupid shit, we’re going to my father’s funeral today, keep your mouth shut.” I did, and frankly my dad was right, I said a lot of stupid shit back then. Now one could argue that ALL 16 year old kids (especially boys) say a lot of “stupid shit,” but I probably said more than most. At the end of the day that’s what I did, and that’s what I still do today . . . I say stupid things. Most of it is simply to get others around me to laugh (either at me or with me), but sometimes that stupid stuff just rolls out of my mouth without me even thinking about it.
My favorite target is my 12-year old son’s friends. I hold no punches when his pals come over. I actually refer to one of them as “dummy” and I’m pretty sure that that kid is the smartest kid in the 6th grade class. . . . well, let’s put it this way . . . . that kid is a lot smarter than I am, and yet I just call him “dummy.” I can’t help myself. Stupid shit just rolls out of my mouth.
So it should come as no surprise that I occasionally get myself into trouble with my wife for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually credit open lines of communication between my wife and I as being one of the key ingredients to our very successful 15-year marriage. My wife and I talk all the time and we pretty much talk about everything. But without fail, I seem to trip over my own tongue at least once or twice a week, and that average has been on the rise since my wife and I have been spending more time together.
Just the other day I was sitting at the dining room table reading my paper. My wife was in the kitchen doing something, and I just blurted out “Is there a reason I’m not eating?” She wasn’t impressed. I went to McDonald’s for breakfast.
I walked into our family room and found her on the couch watching one of her cooking shows. I took one look at the dish the person was cooking and said “I’d rather shit in my own hand than have you cook that.” My wife told me to pull my pants down and do it.
We were at my eight-year-olds teacher conference the other day, and after the teacher showed my wife and me a work sheet that my son had done all wrong, I said to the teacher, “So is he really retarded or just sort of retarded?” Pure silence followed. So I said, “I’m sorry, I meant mentally challenged.” My wife didn’t talk to me on the car ride home.
But though I continue to get myself in trouble with those types of stupid comments, it pales in comparison to the trouble I occasionally get myself into when I say stupid shit about my wife’s weight or anything related to it. Now as a guy I know that a woman’s weight is an OFF LIMITS subject. I think it’s probably safe to say that if you’re born with a set of testicles you know that a Ferrari is cool, boobs are spectacular, and a woman’s weight is never to be mentioned. And yet. . . . .
My wife and I are getting ready to go out, and my wife comes out of her closet with a new shirt on. It looks nice on her, but I say “Is that what everyone’s calling a muffin top?” Nope, no sex that night.
My wife is dieting. Nothing extreme, but just trying to eat a little healthier. She’s already lost five pounds. She looks great. So I say “You definitely should stay on that diet for awhile longer.” Nope, no sex that night either.
And again, my wife and I are getting ready to go out, and again she walks out of her closet all dressed up and I say “Is that what you’re planning to wear out tonight? Do I get veto power?” And you guessed it, no sex that night either, and she didn’t even change her outfit.
I can even get in trouble when I don’t say a word. I didn’t like one of her long summer dresses, so I hid it in the laundry room. As I do the laundry, I figured she wouldn’t ever find it. Unfortunately, after she had spent some time looking for the dress and I claimed not to know anything about it, she found it months later, stashed in a ball in the laundry room. That wasn’t such a good night either.
So, from experience, I can give you all some good advice…just try to think before you speak, and if you are planning to say ANYTHING about your wife’s weight, outfit or shape, be prepared to have a long evening without sex.
Clay's Day
Foot In Mouth Disease
Filed under: Humor | Tags: Dieting, Muffin Top, Stupid Comments
My grandfather passed away when I was 16. Days later, as we were getting ready for the funeral, my dad came to me and said, “Listen, you say a lot of stupid shit, we’re going to my father’s funeral today, keep your mouth shut.” I did, and frankly my dad was right, I said a lot of stupid shit back then. Now one could argue that ALL 16 year old kids (especially boys) say a lot of “stupid shit,” but I probably said more than most. At the end of the day that’s what I did, and that’s what I still do today . . . I say stupid things. Most of it is simply to get others around me to laugh (either at me or with me), but sometimes that stupid stuff just rolls out of my mouth without me even thinking about it.
My favorite target is my 12-year old son’s friends. I hold no punches when his pals come over. I actually refer to one of them as “dummy” and I’m pretty sure that that kid is the smartest kid in the 6th grade class. . . . well, let’s put it this way . . . . that kid is a lot smarter than I am, and yet I just call him “dummy.” I can’t help myself. Stupid shit just rolls out of my mouth.
So it should come as no surprise that I occasionally get myself into trouble with my wife for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually credit open lines of communication between my wife and I as being one of the key ingredients to our very successful 15-year marriage. My wife and I talk all the time and we pretty much talk about everything. But without fail, I seem to trip over my own tongue at least once or twice a week, and that average has been on the rise since my wife and I have been spending more time together.
Just the other day I was sitting at the dining room table reading my paper. My wife was in the kitchen doing something, and I just blurted out “Is there a reason I’m not eating?” She wasn’t impressed. I went to McDonald’s for breakfast.
I walked into our family room and found her on the couch watching one of her cooking shows. I took one look at the dish the person was cooking and said “I’d rather shit in my own hand than have you cook that.” My wife told me to pull my pants down and do it.
We were at my eight-year-olds teacher conference the other day, and after the teacher showed my wife and me a work sheet that my son had done all wrong, I said to the teacher, “So is he really retarded or just sort of retarded?” Pure silence followed. So I said, “I’m sorry, I meant mentally challenged.” My wife didn’t talk to me on the car ride home.
But though I continue to get myself in trouble with those types of stupid comments, it pales in comparison to the trouble I occasionally get myself into when I say stupid shit about my wife’s weight or anything related to it. Now as a guy I know that a woman’s weight is an OFF LIMITS subject. I think it’s probably safe to say that if you’re born with a set of testicles you know that a Ferrari is cool, boobs are spectacular, and a woman’s weight is never to be mentioned. And yet. . . . .
My wife and I are getting ready to go out, and my wife comes out of her closet with a new shirt on. It looks nice on her, but I say “Is that what everyone’s calling a muffin top?” Nope, no sex that night.
My wife is dieting. Nothing extreme, but just trying to eat a little healthier. She’s already lost five pounds. She looks great. So I say “You definitely should stay on that diet for awhile longer.” Nope, no sex that night either.
And again, my wife and I are getting ready to go out, and again she walks out of her closet all dressed up and I say “Is that what you’re planning to wear out tonight? Do I get veto power?” And you guessed it, no sex that night either, and she didn’t even change her outfit.
I can even get in trouble when I don’t say a word. I didn’t like one of her long summer dresses, so I hid it in the laundry room. As I do the laundry, I figured she wouldn’t ever find it. Unfortunately, after she had spent some time looking for the dress and I claimed not to know anything about it, she found it months later, stashed in a ball in the laundry room. That wasn’t such a good night either.
So, from experience, I can give you all some good advice…just try to think before you speak, and if you are planning to say ANYTHING about your wife’s weight, outfit or shape, be prepared to have a long evening without sex.
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