How To Save Your Marriage

No doubt about it, marriage is hard.  The divorce rate in America is somewhere between 40 and 50 percent.  So basically close to one out of every two marriages fails miserably.  That’s shocking considering that we’re talking about marriage here.  We’re not talking about the last-minute pick-up on your 12-inch Tuesday night softball team.  That never works out.  I once found a friend of a friend to fill in for my team and he took a ball RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES on his first attempt in right field.  After that all the opposing players were trying to hit the ball to the opposite field.  I had to bench the guy.  Another time I literally found a sub 10 minutes before the start of our game.  He was just there watching softball (which in retrospect should have been a major “red flag”), but seemed excited to play when I asked him.  After striking out in his first at bat he charged the pitcher and tried to start a brawl.  He was immediately thrown out of the game, and I finished the game with only eight guys. 

But unlike those emergency softball subs, marriage is not typically thrown together at the last minute.  It’s the final step in a long courtship between a man and a woman.  It’s the final acknowledgment that everything the two of you have been through together over the last who knows how long has worked.  All of the road trips to keep the relationship going have been worth it.  All of the compromises the both of you have made in an attempt to accommodate the other person have been justified.  And all of the late-night conversations about dreams and goals and future plans have been agreed on.  It’s the last “I Do.” 

And yet STILL close to half of all marriages FAIL!  If you let yourself stop to think about it for just a little bit of time it’s actually quite amazing (and when I say amazing I mean sad).  I mean either people are just AWFUL at picking out a spouse, or there’s something seriously wrong with the actual “institution” of marriage . . . and in an attempt to keep my marriage going I will plead the 5^th on this one, and will not answer my own question.

But no question there are certain things that test marriages, and it seems to me that many marriages simply fail those “tests” and crumble.  It’s the strong, successful marriages that stand up and “rise above” those tests.

Which brings me to the annual Married Mixed Platform Tennis tournament which was held just last weekend.  This is the husband/wife paddle tourney that jokes about partners needing to be married before the tournament starts AND more importantly, after the tournament ends.  It’s the organizer’s way of admitting that playing with your spouse is going to be somewhat stressful on your marriage, and yet it’s really no joking matter.  I have friends who REFUSE to play in this tournament fearing that an afternoon spent on the paddle court with their wives literally could end their marriage.  And I’ve expressed those concerns with my wife, and still she continues to sign us up for this thing.

If I were to offer anyone some free advice on how to keep your marriage together it would be this. . . . Don’t Do Shit You Know Will Cause Friction With Your Spouse.  It’s that simple.

If you know your spouse isn’t a fan of horror movies, don’t drag them to see ‘Saw 5.’  Go see that by yourself.  I call this “guy’s movie night.”  Now actually I too am not a big fan of horror movies, but I am a big fan of the silly, over-the-top action movies where aliens are threatening to wipe out entire civilizations.  My wife has no interest in seeing these, so I don’t ask her to go.  It’s just that simple.  She doesn’t have to “waste” two hours of her life, and I don’t have to explain to her that “someday aliens may come down from outer space to vaporize all of the West Coast.”  You just never know.  That shit could happen.  Really.

If your wife isn’t a big fan of Ultimate Fighting, don’t watch it while she’s in the room.  Or at the very least don’t watch it while she’s trying to fall asleep on a Wednesday night.  Or at least don’t pound your fists on the bed screaming at the fighter on the TV to “submit to the arm triangle choke hold.”  Or . . . well, there’s a lot that can go wrong here . . .  Spike TV is killing me.

If your wife does not like those “pro’s and con’s” lists, don’t walk around the house writing them for every little thing you do.  You don’t need one to figure out whether you should participate in next year’s Cowalunga bike ride . . . you fell off your bike last year . . . . while stopped at an intersection . . . because you couldn’t get your feet out of the pedals . . . trust me . . . you shouldn’t participate in the ride again.  And you don’t need one to figure out whether you should get another dog . . . last week your dog took off after a speeding Amtrak train . . . I think you have your hands full with the one dog you already have.  And you certainly shouldn’t generate one about whether your relationship is working.  That was just dumb, and foolish and hurtful . . . or at least I believe those are the words she used after she finally let me back into the bedroom (I no longer save things to my desktop named “Relationship Pro’s and Con’s” . . . it was a long time ago, and for what it’s worth the Pro’s FAR OUTWEIGHED the Con’s). 

And if you know your husband is not a big fan of “couples paddle” don’t sign him up to play in a competitive tournament where he may have to play nine or 10 SETS of paddle against a bunch of other couples, some of whom take it WAY TOO SERIOUSLY and are nasty-mean in their attempt to win a meaningless husband-wife paddle tourney.  BUT IF YOU DO sign him up, and he happens to fault his serve into the net on set point . . . FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT SAY TO HIM “Boy, that was a lousy serve.”  He KNOWS it was a lousy serve . . . . he just doesn’t want to hear that FROM YOU!!!!!!

But then again, what do I know?

I know that every year I say, “I hate this tournament.  I don’t ever want to play in it again.”  And yet every year, I end up playing.  You know maybe those are simply the kind of things you do to keep your marriage going.  I don’t know?  But I’ll tell you, if I get another crack at that “nasty-mean” couple next year I’m not going to fault away the 1^st set again.  Oh no, next time I’m going to get that serve in and make a fantastic winning volley, because the more I think about it the more I’m convinced that in order to save your marriage you need to ruin someone else’s.