The Viagra Story

I am always entertained by the comments I get from people after I post a blog. Yes, no doubt the funniest comments are from my mother, but there have been plenty of other funny and touching comments that people have left on my blog page.

But the majority of the comments and feedback I get are from people who just email me directly, and after my last blog I got a number of emails (and even one phone call) from people asking me about the “Viagra Story” I had mentioned.

At first I responded that I had explained the whole taking Viagra on an empty stomach “incident” in an earlier blog, but upon further review I realized that, while I had in fact made mention of this Viagra story a couple times, I had never fully explained it.

So, here it is…

I was in the office, and it was a busy day at work. Before I knew it the lunch hour had come and gone. Other than my bagel and coffee in the morning, the only thing I had eaten was a granola bar that I had gotten out of the vending machine.

But I was too busy to worry about lunch. A big dinner was no doubt in my future as soon as I got home.

I think the phone call came in around 3:00 pm. It was the Series II paddle captain calling to ask me to sub up on his team. I was a Series V player at the time, so this was like a Triple A player getting the call from the big-league club. I gladly accepted the invitation.

Unfortunately I didn’t have my paddle gear with me, so I had to head home first, grab my stuff, and then bust ass to Hinsdale to make an 8:00 pm match. Not quite Mission Impossible, but not an easy task to pull off.

I made the 8:00 pm match with about 10 minutes to spare.

My partner and I lost in about 32 minutes, so my “cup of coffee” with the big league club wasn’t as satisfying as I had hoped, but it still was nice to get the call.

I was back in the car and heading home by about 9:00 pm.

It was a school night, so by the time I got home both the kids were asleep, and my wife was already in bed reading. Since I was fighting a slight winter cold at the time, the first thing I did when I got home was pop two Nyquil. I figured I’d get those things kicking in so that I could sleep better at night. Walked over to the bed and talked to my wife for a few minutes before heading downstairs.

Now the story SHOULD END here. It’s a Tuesday night in the middle of January. It’s about 10:00 pm. I’m sick. My wife’s already in bed. And I haven’t eaten in literally 12 hours. A sandwich, a warm shower, a comfy bed and an alarm set for 7:30 am is how this story should end.

And yet . . . not quite . . . I think I was still riding the high of being called up to play for the II team. For some reason I was feeling good so I went back to the medicine cabinet and pulled out the Viagra that a friend had given to me awhile back. And no there is NO BACK STORY to why my friend gave me Viagra in the first place. It was just one of those things where a buddy tells you he’s got Viagra and you say “Give me some.” You don’t stop to ask why your 37-year old friend has Viagra, you just say “Give me some.” If your buddy says “Hey I have Zebra Cakes,” you don’t stop and ask questions, you just say “Give me some.”

So I had this Viagra pill, and I decided that Tuesday night at 10:00 pm was the time to take it.

So I did.

And by God about 10 minutes later it kicked in.

Head starts to throb . . . yes much to my surprise it was my HEAD that started throbbing first. Eyes begin to blur, and I know it’s Go Time!

Now I’m not going to lie. Viagra or no Viagra, getting my wife to agree to have sex with me on a Tuesday night was a long shot. Saturday night. That’s my night. I have Saturday night. I occasionally have Friday night. And if for some reason we’ve skipped Saturday night . . . well fuck you . . . wait until next Saturday night. That’s what I have. Tuesday night? Please. I mean unless I’m coming home as a different guy . . . say Brad Pitt, I don’t have Tuesday night.

And yet for some reason the stars were aligned, and the Gods were looking down upon me on this cold, wintry night, for my wife put her book down and gave me Tuesday night sex.

Again the story should end here. I have played Series II paddle, and had sex on a Tuesday night. Cross a few more things off the old bucket list and call it a day.

And yet. . . not quite . . . a full 20 minutes later Little Clay was still full of energy and ready to go. 30 minutes later he was ready to go. 40 minutes later he was ready to go. Of course it’s after 11:00 pm on Tuesday night so there is absolutely, unequivocally, without question NO CHANCE of “Round 2” with the wife. And she is already asleep, so waking her would be a death wish.

So I lay there for a little while longer, and then I do what any normal guy would do in this situation . . . midnight porn.

Actually it’s a night of firsts . . . Series II paddle, Tuesday night sex, and midnight porn. It’s a trifecta. Seriously, I’m having a great night!

I climb back into bed a little while later and try to fall asleep. Unfortunately Little Clay is not quite yet for bed. He’s ready for the Vegas Strip. He’s ready for an orgy. At this point I don’t really know what he’s ready for, but my head is pounding, my stomach is screaming, and I can’t get rid of Little Clay. So I pop two Excedrin Migraine headache pills, put a shirt on . . . only a shirt . . . I know, it’s weird . . . I’m buck naked from the waist down . . . but it’s more comfortable this way . . . and I head downstairs. I need food. I’m convinced some food will help. I find the double stuffed Oreo’s and the milk. I dig in.

It’s 1:00 am.

Little Clay still ready to go.

It’s 2:00 am.

Still ready to go.

It’s 2:30 am.

Panic begins to set in.

How does that Viagra commercial go . . . something about seek medical attention if your erection lasts for more than four hours. When did I take this thing? Was it 10:00 pm? 11:00 pm? I’m frantically trying to retrace my steps to figure out exactly when I ingested this pill. Pretty sure it was close to 10:00 pm. So how many hours has it been? Again I start doing the math. It’s been at least four hours. What do I do?

Three options . . .

#1 – Wake my wife to tell her. No she’s not a doctor, but she’s pretty damn smart so maybe she’ll figure something out. Then again, I can just hear my wife now, “YOU TOOK VIAGRA!?!?!? ON A TUESDAY NIGHT!?!?!?” There’s dumb, and then there’s this. Option #1 is out.

#2 – Drive myself to the hospital. But what type of procedure are they going to do on me? And I can just hear the nurse now “SIR, YOU TOOK VIAGRA!?!?! ON A TUESDAY NIGHT!?!?!” Option #2 is out.

#3 – Divert the blood somewhere else. It seems to me that this is nothing more than a blood flow issue. As in, I have TOO MUCH blood “down there,” and I simply need to get it pumped to other places. How do you do that? . . . exercise. So I started doing jumping jacks . . . pushups and sit ups were out . . . come on, just think about it for a second.

So, naked from the waist down, I started doing sets of 25 jumping jacks. I did four sets of them.

It’s 3:00 am.

Little Clay still ready to go.

I have tears in my eyes.

I’m sick to my stomach.

I’m trying to figure out whether this is hands-down the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m trying to think of something I’ve done in the past that is stupider than this. Nothing comes to mind . . . though there were quite a few close seconds.

3:15 am.

I sit down on the couch, and tell myself that at 4:00 am, if Little Clay is still here, I am heading to the hospital.

3:30 am.

I start nervously flipping through the channels.

3:40 am.

I find Jean-Claude Van Damme in the 1994 thriller Time Cop.

Good movie.

Van Damme was great in the early to mid ‘90’s, and this was one of his better flicks.

And then it happened . . . as I sat there and watched the Muscles from Brussels kick ass as a future cop Little Clay went to bed.

I slept on the couch until about 7:00 am.

And I waited days to tell my wife about it. So I learned my lesson. Apparently these Viagra were not your average strength. And I tried it for fun. I’m still not sure I know what they would have done to me at the ER, but I’m just thankful for Jean Claude that I didn’t have to find out.

Important Dates

There are plenty of things that I am just not good at.  Acting my age is definitely at the top of this list.  Refraining from making inappropriate comments to my wife would also be on this list.  And anything that has to do with math would make this list.  

But one thing I am good at is keeping track of important dates.  I don’t need a Franklin Covey Planner to do this, and I don’t need some electronic calendar or iPhone  app.  I just know dates.  Or at least I know the dates that are important to me.  I know my wife’s birthday.  I know my kids’ birthdays.  I know my wedding anniversary.  I know that my wife and I had sex for the very first time on Casmir Pulaski Day in 1989 (without question my favorite Polish holiday).  And I know the first time I knowingly missed a college exam was on October 30^th during my freshman year so that I could leave early to drive to Madison, WI to visit friends and spend Halloween there (and if you’ve never done a Halloween on State Street in Madison, WI – trust me, miss the test). 

Like I said, I’m pretty good with dates which is why I was so surprised  the other day when I actually told my boys that their mother’s birthday was this Thursday the 27^th instead of this Saturday the 29^th which is when her birthday REALLY IS.  This just doesn’t happen to me.  Now I like to joke with my wife that our wedding anniversary is October 20^th when I know that it’s actually the 21^st.  And I like to joke with her that her birthday is on the 30^th of May instead of the 29^th.  Ha, ha, it’s all a fun little game I play (well fun for me . . . remember I’ve already admitted to having trouble acting my age). 

But when my boys asked me the other day I legitimately told them that “mom was celebrating another birthday on Thursday the 27^th.”  NOPE!  It’s Saturday and she’ll be turning 39.  I fear my stay-at-home status is screwing up my days and weeks and months.  Hell the other day my dad asked me when the boys were out of school and I told him in about a month.  My dad asked why they were going to be in school until late June.  Shit.  I guess I didn’t realize it was late May.  The boys get out of school in like seven days.  Maybe I do need that calendar to keep track of things after all.

Well no big deal.  I simply have more time to get my wife a gift.

So what to get her?

Since this is the calm before the storm (it’s the meaningless 39^th birthday before the big FOUR-OH) I’m going to go small.  No sense in breaking the bank when I think she wants a big shindig to celebrate her 40^th next May.  And since we’re hoping to go away together somewhere this fall to celebrate our 15^th wedding anniversary I’m truly going to take it easy on the birthday gifts this year.  She’ll understand.  We’ve already agreed upon it.  But I still need to get her something.

I could always go with the trusty stand-by; a three pack of thong underwear from Neiman’s and a home-made gift certificate for “A Lot of Clay Loving.”  By the way, no joke, I actually got her THIS EXACT GIFT a few years ago for Valentine’s Day and it’s the sole reason that NEITHER of us celebrate this particular holiday anymore.

I could get her a real gift certificate for a massage, but I feel like that’s admitting that she’s in need of a massage because she’s married to me.  I refuse to admit that or even think that so therefore she’s not getting a massage.  Her marriage to me is pure bliss. 

I could get her a really cool and sexy Blackhawks t-shirt.  You know there are 101 different t-shirts out on the market now that the Hawks have made it to the Stanley Cup finals, and a few of these t-shirts are “women specific” shirts that are pretty tight and sexy.  And since my favorite shirt of ALL TIMES is her 1982 AC/DC concert t-shirt, well I may just need to get her another shirt like this.  A quick side note, seriously this AC/DC t-shirt which I found in some t-shirt store a few years ago (I didn’t actually go to the 1982 concert – I was 11 in ’82) is just awesome.  She only wears it occasionally around the house, but it’s the single greatest article of clothing that she owns.  I find myself singing Shook Me All Night Long every time she has it on (well it was either that or the much less popular AC/DC song Let Me Put My Love Into You, but that just seems wildly inappropriate, even for me, and again I WANT her to wear this shirt). 

I could always arrange some “girl’s day out” type of thing and let her go off with her girlfriends for a long afternoon, but that would leave me with the kids all day and that’s just not going to happen.  I wonder if I could arrange a “girl’s day out WITH THE KIDS?”  Hmm.  You know if I could actually put something like this together and make it work, I may be able to sell this service to other guys.  Hell I could make millions if I could find a way for a guy to give his wife a gift of an afternoon out with her girlfriends AND the kids.  Literally what dude wouldn’t buy this service?  Get rid of the wife AND the kids AND get credit for giving her a birthday gift.  Are you kidding?  I’m a multi-millionaire if I could make this work.  This is right up there with my other million dollar idea. . . a Viagra pill for women that also makes them want to clean the house.  I know, it’s impossible, but seriously, think about that for a minute.  It’s actually a billion dollar idea. 

Well upon further review I’m not sure any of these ideas work, so I may just go with some flowers and a nice card and I’ll be sure to give them to her on the 29^th, and not the 27^th.

Annual Physical

So I had my annual physical recently.  Before the 39^th birthday.  I’m happy to report that all went well.  My cholesterol is slightly high and I’ve got a liver enzyme that’s apparently “elevated,” and I could stand to lose a few lbs.   I suspect these “issues” can be directly traced back to my diet.  And for those of you wondering, bagel, bacon and coffee for breakfast today.  Taco Bell for lunch.  Cheese-filled pasta with cream sauce for dinner.  And as soon as I’m done with this blog I’m going to take down a couple packs of Zebra Cakes.  I’m thinking a slightly higher cholesterol level and this enzyme thing is actually GOOD NEWS!!  I should be dead.  Literally dead. 

Of course my doctor is an old high school pal of mine who I swam with for three years, and he once shaved his armpits during sectionals after our coach told us to shave our legs, so there’s a chance he doesn’t know how to read the charts anyway. 

 The appointment got off to an inauspicious start when a very nice looking nurse brought me into the room to take my weight and confirm the information on my chart.  The weigh-in was fine, but I was somewhat surprised when the nurse said “So Mr. Whipple it looks like the only medication you’re currently on is Viagra, correct?”  Whoops.  Forgot that that Viagra thing actually went onto my chart.  I was sorta hoping that was more of an “under the table” kind of thing.  Oh well.  I hesitated only for a second and then said “Yes.  That’s correct.  Just the Viagra.  It’s working great.  Thanks” (Dear Lord I can’t stop talking. . . . Shut Up Clay!!!!).

My buddy came in a few minutes later and went through the exam.  Again all went well, but he did warn me that next year, for my 40-year physical, I would need to have a rectal exam.  Performed by him.  My friend.  The guy who shaved his armpits.  He’s going to give me a rectal exam this time next year. 

So I now have a little longer “to-do” list.

#1 – Lower my cholesterol.

#2 – Explain to the boys that I did not train as a Jedi under the tutelage of Obi-Wan Kenobi.  This is an ongoing thing with me and my boys.  I have literally convinced them that I trained as a Jedi with Obi-Wan.  Now my oldest son is fairly certain that this is pure bullshit, and no question I didn’t help my credibility when I accidentally whacked him in the head with a light saber during my “spin-o-rama”  move, but there’s a small part of him that still believes that I MAY HAVE TRAINED AS A JEDI, and it really bothers him that I won’t admit it.  This probably needs to end.

#3 – Put more than 80 miles on my bike BEFORE leaving for my three day bike trip in August.  I spent the first day of the ride last year in serious pain because of severe leg cramps.  Literally I had trouble getting on and off my bike because I couldn’t swing my leg over the top bar it was cramping so bad.  I’m thinking it had something to do with the lack of training.  Need to do better this year.

#4 – Lose weight “the real way.”  I got involved in a “Biggest Loser” competition with co-workers last year and I ran away with it.  I won by a landslide.  But it’s only because I starved myself for 19 days.  The competition lasted three full months, but I didn’t do ANYTHING until the final 19 days when I cut my calorie intake to 300 a day.  Breakfast was a small coffee.  Lunch was a Slim Jim and a Diet Coke.  Dinner was a Slim Jim and a Diet Coke.  The last week I replaced the Diet Cokes with water.  Lost 22 pounds in 19 days, but it took me a full week to recover afterwards as my body basically shut down.  I looked pale and sickly, and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but sit on the couch (not that that is unusual).  No Biggest Loser completion this year, so I’ll just lose weight the right way this time.

#5 – Find a new doctor.

Avatar – And Coming Up With Stuff

So I just got back from seeing Avatar.  Spectacular.  The Star Wars of this generation.  My 10-year-old son loved it and my 65-year-old dad loved it.  I guess I could argue that it was a tad too long, but that would be my ONLY complaint, and it would be a minor one at best.  It certainly deserves all the accolades that it’s getting and so does writer, producer and director, James Cameron.

Of course what really amazes me how this guy comes up with this stuff?  From the blue Avatar people to the floating mountains to the trees and plants having the ability to connect with other living things, and so on and so on.  How does he come up with this stuff?  It’s amazing.  For that matter, how did George Lucas come up with Star Wars?  How did the two brothers come up with the Matrix (another amazing movie)?  It’s one thing to produce and direct a fiction-based movie or a great period piece it’s another thing altogether to write and produce and direct something that is totally 100% made up.  Granted movies like Braveheart and Saving Private Ryan and Schnidler’s List are fantastic movies and the producers and directors of those movies deserve all sorts of credit, but at the end of the day they didn’t have to come up with a story from scratch.  They had history to help them develop a story.  A movie like Star Wars or Avatar is made up from scratch.  It’s pure imagination.  It’s just a guy, or maybe a couple guys, sitting around and thinking of really cool shit.  I’m in awe.  I’m almost 39 years old, and frankly it makes me feel a little inadequate and unimaginative.  If I really analyze it, I’ve really only come up with pretty stupid ideas.  

Here’s just a sampling:

I came up with the idea of writing an article for my college school paper (I was the sports editor of the paper) about the similarities between baseball and sex.  The article compared getting hits (like singles and double and triples and whatnot) in both the real game of baseball and in the bedroom.  I said things like getting a single was nice, but you’re still a long way from scoring where as a double put you in scoring position.  And so on.  The local catholic deacon wrote to the paper that I should be expelled from school.  I wasn’t expelled, but I was suspended from the school paper for two weeks.  When my suspension was over I wrote an apology and suggested different sports options that women could use to relate intimate matters to.  Like swimming, and doing the “breaststroke.”  Or gymnastics, and doing a “dismount.”  I was suspended again and girls called my apartment and hung up on me for a month.  Someone egged my car. 

I came up with the idea of quitting my job during a yearly review after my boss decided not to promote me.  Just got up and walked out.  Shook his hand, grabbed my coat and left.  I was unemployed for six months.  My wife wasn’t real thrilled with that move.

I came up with the idea of buying a $7,000 bicycle (a Moots with full Dura-Ace components – it was spectacular).  A year later while riding that bicycle in the Chicago Triathlon I was passed by a 45-year old woman riding a mountain bike with knobby tires.  I sold the Moots a year later.

When I was a kid I came up with the idea of using a lighter to look under my bed for a ball that had rolled under there.  Set the bed on fire and almost burned the house down.  My mom wasn’t real thrilled with that move.

I came up with the idea of taking 100mil of Viagra on an empty stomach in an attempt to “show  the wife a really good time” and almost had to drive myself to the hospital after my erection lasted for almost six hours (that’s right, just a tad under six hours – straight – didn’t  go down – at one point I was doing jumping jacks in the nude in an attempt to get the blood flowing to a different part of my body – well it’s not like I could  do pushups).

And I came up with the idea of wrestling with my two-year-old son one night while my wife was having dinner with a friend downtown.  Now this is nothing unusual, and plenty of dads have “come up” with this same idea, but I came up with the idea of giving Chase the greatest head fake of all times (it really was, I could have faked out Ray Lewis and run for a touchdown with this head fake) as he was leaping through the air to tackle me.  Unfortunately the only thing he tackled that night was the corner of the play table in the playroom.  It took six stitches to close the gash above his eye.  Both the emergency room doctors and the police had a few questions for me that night.

So pretty much that’s what I’ve come up with in the last 38+ years.

I’m going to keep thinking of ideas, but I’m not really optimistic about the results.  So keep reading, or you can go see Avatar.

I would recommend Avatar in 3D.